Releasing Christmas Expectations and Codependence and Choosing Soul Recovery

Have you ever found yourself caught in the relentless quest for a picture-perfect Christmas, only to be left feeling exhausted and unfulfilled? Join me, Rev Rachel, on this poignant Christmas Day edition of Recover Your Soul, as we shed light on the true gifts that the holiday season brings. I share with you my personal transformation from a seeker of festive perfection to someone who cherishes the beautiful, yet flawed tapestry of family life. Together, we confront the pressures of crafting immaculate memories, tackle the financial strains that often accompany our generosity, and address the heightened challenges of substance abuse during the holidays. It's a soul-stirring journey toward recognizing the significance of human connection, the importance of being present, and the authenticity that shared experiences bring.

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This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not allied or representative of any organizations or religions, but is based on the opinions and experience of Rev. Rachel Harrison. The host claims no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the information presented herein. Take what you need and leave the rest.

Transcript

Rev Rachel Harrison: 0:50

Welcome to the Recover your Soul podcast a spiritual path to a happy and healthy life. My name is Reverend Rachel Harrison. I started Recover your Soul after having profound changes in my life from my recovery of alcoholism, codependency and control addiction. I was guided to share the tools and principles of spirituality and soul recovery to help others transform their lives, as mine was transformed. For us to overcome external circumstances, we need to turn the attention to ourselves, focusing on our interchange and healing. Positive results in our lives will follow. Welcome to Recover your Soul. I'm Rev Rachel and on the day of this airing Merry Christmas, it is Christmas Day 2023.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 1:38

If we can believe it, I can hardly believe that we are at the end of another year and that it's Christmas Day. We are here on this soul recovery journey because we're learning how to attend to ourselves. We're learning how to let go of codependency. We're learning how to navigate having people in our lives who are addicts. I just want to recognize that Christmas is this time of year that has a lot of energy around perfection and around everything being perfect in terms of how the gifts are and what your house looks like and what relationships are like, and I want to just open to the knowing that sometimes Christmas is hard and that for a lot of people it's a time that has a lot of emotion tied to it on a whole variety of levels, that for some people this is a difficult time, but it is also a time of renewal and from a metaphysical, spiritual perspective, it's a gifting time, a winter solstice time, a birthing, the nature of ourselves time. It's this opportunity for us to come into a way of coming out of the darkness and into the light that we may be able to see this time of year from a new perspective, from a soul recovery perspective.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 2:59

And when I think about what it means to be in this time of year and this year for me is very different than it's ever looked in the past, and we'll get to that but when I had kids and we were growing up with them, there was this real need for me to try to create this energy around the perfection of the holidays. We often had very little money and we're running paycheck to paycheck and this desire to create the perfect gifts or to make it so that it was this really joyous festive time of the year put a lot of pressure on me and put a lot of pressure on my husband as well in terms of finances and if I look at how we as a society are really creating this space that is around material goods and I love myself a present, so I'm not saying that I don't love myself a present and I love giving presents. I probably actually love giving more than I love receiving in terms of love languages. But it's interesting now that the kids are grown up and everything has shifted around a little bit and I have a little bit of space around it to really see energetically what it felt like to try to create perfection and to try to create perfect memories. And behind a lot of that was a lot of tension and behind that was a lot of alcohol and behind that was these expectations of what family looked like and that I wanted my family to look like what I thought other families looked like.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 4:47

And if I stand back and I give myself permission to feel those feelings, there's some sadness in there. There's some sadness around how much pressure I put on myself to try to create the perfect environments and some of those Christmases were amazing and some of them were not all that great and had fights or had disagreements or disappointments, and the more that I do this soul recovery work, the more that I'm disassembling these old experiences in my life and recognizing how much energy we put in on trying to have everything be exactly perfect, to have it be just right. And when I look at what does that mean for it to be just right? What I'm aware of is that it's this part of me that wants to keep pain away, that wants to keep harm away, that wants to keep hurt away, that if it's perfect, then I can keep it from being difficult. But the truth was it was difficult. The truth is raising kids is hard. The truth is finances are difficult. It's part of us that wants everyone to be happy, which is really important. But then there's the expectation of what does happiness look like? And can we start to be okay with what is Be, okay, with the complexity of being human?

Rev Rachel Harrison: 6:20

And when I let go of the need to be perfect and I just open to the desire for deep and real connection with the people in my life that I love and care for so deeply, I can recognize that there were so many beautiful opportunities for us just to be human beings in our faulted self, and those included some beautiful times. They included beautiful Christmas mornings with excitement and presence and the kids waiting for that special thing to be under the tree. It also included times when I put so much pressure on everything being equal that I couldn't even enjoy what was actually happening because I was trying to anticipate whether someone was going to be upset and trying to meet their needs and my people pleasing of the entire family. And I can hold on to the space that loved Christmas Eve services at the church that I attended and often sang in the choir and holding candles on Christmas Eve and letting go of this part of us that was attached to all of the presence and just felt love and felt connection in a family. And I can hold on to those Christmas Eve's when my heart was breaking because I didn't feel connected to my husband, that I didn't feel like my life was what I wanted. And when we allow ourselves to hold all of it, when we allow ourselves just to be present with what actually is instead of trying to create something ideal or perfect, we actually allow ourselves to let go of the harm and the pain that we continue to drag with us, that we try to fix in our present moment, and we can experience it in a new and different way.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 8:18

I'm thinking about how, since the pandemic when my kids moved to California, it's been different, and the last Christmas that we had, when all of us were still living in Colorado, was a very complicated Christmas. It was one of those Christmases that is not in my favorite book. It's one of those Christmases where the kids aren't little and their adults and Rich and I were not drinking, but the kids weren't quite at the place where we are now, where we can allow them to be where they are. And Alex in particular, was still in a very chaotic place, in a chaotic relationship, and he and his dad were fighting with each other so much all the time and they worked together, they fought together. Rich was trying so hard to do everything that he could to take care of Alex and fix him in the way. That was his way of doing it and it was very, very different in the way that I wanted it done. We were still really in that really complicated place of how do we help this person who was our child, this human being who is our child? I'm remembering that Christmas because it was one of those Christmases where it felt like we were putting on a show we were putting on airs and that it was right before the pandemic right so literally right before everything shut down, and that there was this energy around my codependence of not being able to relax into my own experience because I was so wrapped up in what everybody else's experiences were.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 10:05

If you're ready for soul recovery, as a spiritual coach I can support your healing to help make real changes that will bring you a life of peace, happiness, connection and abundance. You can also work in smaller groups by taking a deep dive in a Zoom workshop or with me in person at a retreat or an event. Join others on the Soul Recovery Path once a month for the free Zoom support group or daily on the private Facebook page. Visit the website RecoveryYourSoulnet to book coaching sessions with me or find all the information you need about soul recovery dates that are coming up and how to register for those groups and workshops. To support the podcast and the community, check the links in the show notes to make a small monthly donation or a one-time donation of your choice. That will make a huge impact to support this community and the Soul Recovery mission. Together we can do the work that will recover your soul.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 11:03

So I had Bodhi, who was back from college and trying to figure out what his next steps in life were, and he had just gotten a puppy, which you know. What could he do with a puppy? What was he supposed to be doing with that? Rich's brother had moved here from California and I had all my fingers and trying to figure out how to fix his life. Then you had all the situations with Rich and I trying to be in sobriety, but that was looking very different for both of us and I still wasn't letting go of his sobriety in the way that I do now. We had Alex and all of his complexity, and I had my mom, who is an easy person, in the mix of all of that, but I still have my people please her on with my mom. I was just looking at those pictures recently because it really reminded me that it was still this part of me. I was in my recovery and I actually was just prior to starting to talk in Soul Recovery and share these podcasts. So if any of you have gone back all the way to the beginning of 2020, when I started recording these in their raw forms off of voice memos with terrible sound, I was still really raw in the part of me that was trying to control and fix and manage and be in that discomfort.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 12:31

And that particular Christmas touches my heart because it was right before I started to really do this work and realize I don't have control of any of them. I don't have control of the situation. I am powerless over what's happening in their lives. I'm powerless over their experiences. And how much energy was spent for so many years trying to believe that I could control and fix and take care of this crazy zoo that is my family. And how much pain was in that. And even in those beautiful times, even the times that really were connecting and really were wonderful, there was a part of me that was so compartmentalized of wanting to hold on to that. There it is, there. I want to hold on to that and make that happen more. I couldn't really fully enjoy it because I was so in the mix of obsessive control.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 13:34

So that particular Christmas is kind of this poignant Christmas because the world blew up after that in so many different ways. We had a fine Christmas. It was fine, but it didn't feel that tender, soft way that it did when the kids were little, that even if there was a big blow up or something was hard. There was still this air of children at Christmas. That is really unique and special, and trying to manage and navigate moving into adulthood with kids who were still kids was really complicated that year.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 14:10

Then everything blew up because then the pandemic hit Bodie had moved to California a few days before everything shut down. Alex had his life situation blow up, where he left for California on a one-way ticket in May of that year and never came back and then the world shut down and on some level for me, what I think about is I think about how all of that needed to happen for there to be the chance for me to save myself. That, with my children gone and with the world shut down, for the first time I was still in quiet with myself and I started to really move into these spiritual practices that had been in my life for such a long time, but I hadn't taken them in in a way that has profoundly changed me. That Christmas. The following Christmas, there was no Christmas because the world was shut down and there was no traveling, and it gave me the perspective of how much energy we put into these family events, that we are looking from the outside to make these be perfect, so that we can hold this energy around our family, that we can make everything be okay.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 15:35

But it's really in the everyday where the real juices or the real beauty is that if we can do this work, the sole recovery work within ourselves on a daily basis, learning how to let go of control, realizing we are completely powerless over every single thing outside of ourselves, that is step one in sole recovery. We are powerless over every single thing outside of ourselves and our desire to control people, places and circumstances makes us crazy, makes us unhappy, causes us suffering. That if we can start to release that and be present with what, be present with what is and recognize I'm powerless over whether someone likes my gifts or not. I'm powerless over whether someone shows up at the house in a good mood or a bad mood. I'm powerless over whether people drink or don't drink, or want to drink or don't drink. I can have a boundary around whether that happens in my house or not. I'm powerless over what is happening in the world. I'm powerless over the consumerism. I'm powerless over how our family dynamics really are. I'm powerless over everything outside of myself.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 16:57

And if we can see that as a freedom, if we can see that as a gift, if you can start to open up this concept that you do not have to be responsible for everybody else's feelings, for how they are, that we stop walking on eggshells, that we recognize that those eggshells are really coming from our hearts, wanting it to be comfortable, wanting people to feel comfortable, wanting it to be okay, and that's okay. It's okay to want us to be happy, it's okay to want it to be easy. But when we realize we're actually powerless over making it be that for other people, we take our power back and we allow ourselves to start to say I choose to be okay even if you're not okay. We start realizing that there is no such thing as perfection, that this concept of perfection doesn't keep us protected from pain and harm and difficulty, that there is difficulty, that it isn't always going to turn out the way that we hoped and intended and expected it to be. But as we release expectations, we actually allow people to be who they are in each moment and we can actually see, potentially, that things are good just as they are.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 18:27

So when I look at this Christmas, for example, we had the kids instead of doing Christmas this year long before my dad was diagnosed with a cancer that he has, that we found out in October that he has. I had realized that prior to the pandemic my dad hadn't seen my kids for a long time because his girlfriend lives back east and so they were going back east for Christmas every year and they were coming to our house for Thanksgiving and the kids were coming to our house for Christmas and now lived in California. So this part of me realized if I don't do something, then there's very unlikely that the kids are going to see my father for a long time, maybe ever. Right, he's not going to go to California because he's older and they're probably not going to go to Santa Fe because they're busy and they have their own lives. And for some reason, I don't know why, I didn't decide that we should all just get together for Thanksgiving. But I came up with this concept that we would do thanks Christmas and that we would all go to New Mexico and go to where he lives as a family and really hold space for him and maybe work in the silver shop or do fun things like that, thinking prior to his being sick. So when we found out that he was sick, it made it even more powerful that we were going to all be able to go and be with him, not knowing whether he was going to be able to really participate because he had already started his cancer treatments. And so everybody flew in.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 19:59

Alex's new girlfriend came and the boys came and they flew to Denver and then my mom and my husband and my two kids and Alex's girlfriend and me got into separate cars, we drove down to Santa Fe and we ended up having these three nights and three days with my dad in New Mexico that were really special and they weren't Christmas, right, so there wasn't a tree and there wasn't this expectation of presence and there wasn't like this energy around it being a Christmas event. It was just us all being together. And I had that same experience that I've been having more now, where I just let the boys be exactly who they are. I let them drink, I let them smoke weed right, I can't let them anyway, but I don't allow myself to go crazy with wanting to control those behaviors. I just let them and accept them for exactly who they are. And we stayed in this beautiful Airbnb that was a friend of my dad's house out in New Mexico, with these incredible sunrises, beautiful wood and Adobe house, and we had a lovely time and my dad participated with us in the way that he could.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 21:19

And so here comes Christmas and we've already had our family event and it doesn't mean that we're going to get back together again, and a part of me is really grateful that we're changing how we are doing our family on a day-to-day basis, instead of having all this energy tied up around the holidays, making up for all the dysfunction and kind of crazy and weirdness that happens throughout the year. That this year has been an interesting year with my family in terms of how we've spent time together and how we're learning to tolerate and accept and open to who we are as human beings, in our own unique patterns of who we are, and letting go of this idea that it's going to be perfect or look this specific way or that it's going to have an expectation of what I thought a family would look like when I was younger and had these two kids. So for Christmas this year I'm actually going to be driving down to Santa Fe with my mom and my dad's girlfriend has flown off to go be with her son for Christmas and we're going to go and help my dad through cancer, and there's no tree and there's no presence and it's not going to have the same energy, but I feel this heart space around it, being true to the experience of what is instead of what is perfect and what's expected on the outside. And if you are having a kind of Christmas that doesn't look like a traditional Christmas, can you be with it for what it is? Can you allow yourself just to open to?

Rev Rachel Harrison: 23:10

This is a Christmas, maybe, where you're not with your family in the way that you used to be. Maybe you've divorced and separated, maybe your kids have moved away. Maybe it's not the way that it's always looked, maybe it's different. Can you be with the part of you that has some grief around it and allow yourself to feel those feelings, but not fall into them as if you are swept away into pain and victimhood and regret, but see the strength of who you are right now, in this moment, in this experience, in this holiday, and feel your growth, feel your change, feel your awareness, feel your strength, standing in the unknown and sometimes the wilderness of what is your life and wondering what is mine here to celebrate in myself. What is this gift? What is this? Moving from the darkness to the light.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 24:13

If we look at this time of year from the metaphysical and the spiritual perspective, how am I gifting myself a new awakening? How can I be on this day in a way that is new and different and special for me, being with your family in a way that allows them to be exactly who they are and you're not responsible, you're powerless over each of them, but participating in it from your highest self and attending to your feelings and your needs with self-love and self-care, and really allowing yourself to have your full experience. And some of that is going to be beautiful and some of that is going to be difficult, but not judging it anymore, not giving yourself any place to judge it as being negative or even maybe even judging it as like, oh good, I'm a good girl or a good boy, I've finally made it. You know, I did it right. What does it mean to do it right? Can we hold space around who we are as this evolving, spiritually centered, expanding, awakening part of our self? Can we hold space for this and allow it to be exactly what it is?

Rev Rachel Harrison: 25:46

Even if today is a hard day, each of our soul recovery journeys is uniquely our own, and yet we're here together as a community, and if you are somebody who is feeling like you're here by yourself, feel everyone else who's here too. Feel us as a group, feel us as an entity of community that loves and sees and supports each other completely and wholly and fully. That is the beauty of doing this work together that we recognize that we are all on this path of learning who we are and connecting more deeply to our higher self, to our connection to our higher power, to our knowing that this is around us, releasing all that no longer serves us and standing in our strength and loving our self deeply to love yourself completely and deeply for all of who you are. Letting go of regret, letting go of rumination, letting go of grief, letting go of guilt, letting go of our expectation of who we should be, and standing in the knowing that exactly who you are is exactly who you are supposed to be, even if today is a difficult day. I thank you for being part of this community. I thank you for this year together. I'm excited to see what happens in the new year, in 2024. We're continuing to grow, continuing to support each other. Maybe we can all pop on the Facebook page and give each other well wishes for the holidays. Regardless of what you might practice during the holidays, just know that we are truly connected as one in the Soul Recovery community and out in the world. I see you. I appreciate you, until next time.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 27:53

Namaste, thank you for listening to the Recovery Soul Podcast. If you loved what you heard here. Every Friday we have a bonus episode. You can access this by becoming a subscriber through Apple Podcasts for only $3.99 a month, or become a Patreon member On this platform. You can choose $5.15 or $25 a month. To show what you want to support the show with On both of these subscriber platforms is an entire catalog of back episodes intended to inspire and support you on your Soul Recovery journey.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 28:30

I really want to invite everybody to attend the free once a month, every first Monday of the month support group. This is on Zoom. Everyone is welcome to attend by giving a like or a review, and sharing this with your friends and family really helps us to share the Soul Recovery message with even more people. We are on social media. We are on all the platforms. I am on TikTok. You can listen to guided meditations by Rev Rachel Harrison on Insight Timer. Thank you for supporting the show Thank you for being part of the community. To find out more about Soul Recovery and everything that's being offered, visit the website wwwrecoveryoursoulnet. Together, we can do the work that will recover your soul.