Journey into Self Through the Power of Detachment

While I am on vacation  for February 2024, I wanted to share some of the powerful episodes from our book study last year for subscribers of the Bonus Recover Your Soul podcast, and have chosen some of the favorites.

In this bonus episode we continue the book study of Paul Ferrini's "Crossing the Threshold from Fear to Love: 31 Days of Spiritual Awakening".  I really enjoyed this chapter looking at detachment from his perspective as a spiritual value to add to our Soul Recovery tool box as we learn to let go of all that no longer serves us. Paul emphasizes the importance of learning from our experiences and seeing the choices we can make as we take charge of our own lives one step at a time.

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Soul Recovery Support Group on Zoom -The 1st Monday of the Month, 6PM Mountain Time. This is a drop in support group where we can come together to explore, connect and support each other on our Soul Recovery journey.  Visit the website to register and receive the meeting invite.  Free to attend and donations appreciated.

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This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not allied or representative of any organizations or religions, but is based on the opinions and experience of Rev. Rachel Harrison. The host claims no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the information presented herein. Take what you need and leave the rest.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:47

If you're listening to this at the date of its airing, it is February 2024, and Rich and I are in Indonesia for a trip of a lifetime celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary, which is exclusively through the power of doing soul recovery and creating a new life. So while I'm gone, I'm going to be replaying some of the content from the subscribers' bonus episodes that are listened to through being an Apple Podcast subscriber or Patreon number. I like doing book studies as inspiration on the bonus episodes and last year we worked with Paul Ferini's book Crossing the Threshold from Fear to Love. It's around the spiritual values that can allow us to be our whole, full self and we're going to be using some of those values for you to put more tools in your spiritual toolbox and on your soul recovery journey. And just a quick pitch that, if you like this episode and you like the concept of book studies or in-depth interviews, I hope you'll also become a bonus episode subscriber. Enjoy.

Speaker 1: 1:54

Welcome to the Recovery your Soul Podcast a spiritual path to a happy and healthy life. My name is Reverend Rachel Harrison. I started Recovery your Soul after having profound changes in my life from my recovery of alcoholism, codependency and control addiction. I was guided to share the tools and principles of spirituality and soul recovery to help others transform their lives, as mine was transformed. For us to overcome external circumstances, we need to turn the attention to ourselves, focusing on our inner change and healing. Positive results in our lives will follow. We are doing this slow and steady book study of Crossing the Threshold from Fear to Love by Paul Ferini. It's 31 spiritual values. We've been just slowly picking up these spiritual values and talking about them from the soul recovery perspective, and I love that.

Speaker 1: 2:54

Part of the soul recovery journey is a spiritual path to a happy and healthy life. Part of the journey is just opening us up to different concepts and different thoughts and different ways of seeing our lives, seeing our healing, seeing new ways of thinking and feeling, new perceptions and just changing and shifting our thought patterns, just a little bit, just one little baby step at a time. And so, by using these spiritual teachers and the concepts around spirituality from different voices, what I'm giving you, I hope, is your own voice. I'm not here to tell you what spirit or higher power should look like for you. This is your own process of finding what that is in your own being, your own connection to what a higher power, something greater still, that love, that support that is indeed surrounding you and loving you and beginning to give it voice, because most of us came from upbringings where we were given the terminology, we were given what the images were.

Speaker 1: 4:10

There was a lot of shame, a lot of guilt, a lot of believe this. If you don't believe this, then you're going to be in trouble, then you'll, oh my gosh, go to hell right, like the fear that was installed in so many people around religion. And by taking a look at these spiritual values, by taking a look at this and other teachers that were studying here, what we're doing is we're helping you to decide what's right for you. As I often say, I want you to take what works for you and to leave the rest, because I'm not growing and developing my own spiritual foundation and it's providing me with so much inner peace and strength and just contentment in my life. That is so different from how I felt before and I've always been kind of a spiritual person. But it's this real attention and real attending to myself and this connection, and so my hope in us reading this book and the other things that we'll be studying along the way, and other people that come in for interviews is for you to be gathering up and deciding for yourself what is right for you. What do you feel in connection? How do you feel the most true to yourself and your higher self? These spiritual values are so great for me to be covering, because today we're going to be doing detachment.

Speaker 1: 5:45

And he's not talking about detachment from the codependent Al-Anon perspective as we usually use that word. He's talking about detachment as a spiritual principle, as a spiritual value. So we're just going to dig into the book and we've read over so many things now acceptance and forgiveness and humility and patience and gentleness and honesty, generosity and compassion. And here we are at detachment. As usual, I will read from the book and from the reading and then reflect accordingly. Just allow it to wash through you and over you and see where there might be little snippets of an aha moment, a little snippet of truth. That is about empowering you to live from your highest self. That's giving you your power back. So that's why we're studying and reading these values.

Speaker 1: 6:41

Okay, detachment is a state of consciousness, he says. We cultivate detachment when we release our attachment to someone or something that is preventing us from growing and moving forward in our lives. Detachment helps free us from unhealthy relationships, delusional beliefs and dysfunctional behavior patterns. While emotional attachment is part of the process of learning and growing, there comes a time when we must let go to free up our energy to create something new and better in our life. I loved that line. There comes a time when we must let go to free up our energy to create something new and better in our life. You know, in soul recovery, what we're just beginning to learn, in a way, is that we can co-create with this higher power the life of our decision making, of what we want, that we actually can step aside from the people around us and start to realize what is new and better for us, and that that often means that we need to let go of thoughts, people, beliefs, patterns so that we can have the energy to really move forward in our lives. So I love that. He said that. He goes on to say opposite states of consciousness are attachment, dependence or co-dependence, fixation, identification, merging, submission, obsession with people or ideas and giving up our power to others. And you know, in soul recovery that's what we're learning is to not give up our power to others. He goes on to say his teaching.

Speaker 1: 8:35

Both attachment and detachment are necessary aspects of life. As a baby we're attached to our mother or caregivers. We depend on her for nurturing, love and protection. But when we get older we must learn to do things for ourselves. Our father encourages us to move out into life and take greater responsibility for ourselves. Gradually we detach from both our mother and father and claim our independence. This is a natural phenomenon. Without detachment, growth and individuation cannot take place. But detachment from parental support and authority can lead to forming of new attachments. Perhaps we attach to a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a teacher, a coach or a mentor. Our attachment enables us to receive additional support in nurturing and that's a good thing.

Speaker 1: 9:27

There will be a time when we have to detach from that person to continue to grow. That's really interesting, because I think that's sometimes. What happens to us is that we attach to that next place. You know, once we move from one situation to another and we have a lot of trouble letting go so that we can continue to grow. He says our mentor may help us learn a skill, but once the skill is learned we may be ready to move on to another challenge. Our apprenticeship must end for us to learn to stand on our own and become a master in our own right.

Speaker 1: 10:07

What I love about these already starting to talk about which, to me, really reflects in soul recovery is the concept that we are here to grow and learn our own journey. We're here to grow and learn and expand and have our own experience. And, yes, we connect with others, we have this apprenticeship or we have these connections and relationship, but ultimately, what we're here to do is to have as much development of our own souls and our own learning and our own experience as we can. So I love that. He's really saying we need to learn to stand on our own and become a master in our own right of our own lives. He says we might fall in love with someone and learn to open our heart, and that's a wonderful thing. But sometimes what we can learn from each other reaches its limits and we feel ready to move on. We realize that we will both learn more with others than we will learn by staying together.

Speaker 1: 11:13

Of course, this recognition takes on many forms. In other cases there are deeper ties that bind us, but we need to take some time apart to grow before we can come back together. You know, there's this concept of marriage that comes up to me right around this, and there are vows that we take when we get married that we're going to stick together through everything. And when we stand there on the altar, most of us totally believe and think that there could not possibly be anything that would pull us apart, that we will be there through thick and thin. And this journey of soul recovery is really around us, attending to ourselves.

Speaker 1: 11:56

And what I think about is my parents, who divorced in a very loving way because they had this recognition that they couldn't grow and live their best lives together, that, even though they cared about each other, that they really needed to separate for them to live their best selves. And that was how I grew up. That's what I learned, that's what I thought. Now, that's different than just running away when it gets hard. And, as Rich and I were one of those people that had a separation for a year and did some time apart to reflect, to take a look, to say do we need to separate to be our happiest selves or can we work on this together? And in our case, we came back together and I think that there's the importance of realizing that the vow is real but truly recognizing when it is best to not be together so that you can move forward in your life or the other person can move forward in their life to their healthiest benefit. That is much stronger than a vow made. That is really around society and social binds and I know that's a really tough thing to talk about and some people may have differing views around that and again, take what you need and leave the rest. But I really love that. He really talks about how it's important that we realize, about learning and growing, that sometimes we need to let go to be able to be our best self.

Speaker 1: 13:36

If you're ready for soul recovery, as a spiritual coach I can support your healing to help make real changes that will bring you a life of peace, happiness, connection and abundance. You can also work in smaller groups by taking a deep dive in a Zoom workshop or with me in person at a retreat or an event. Join others on the Soul Recovery Path, once a month for the free Zoom support group or daily on the private Facebook page. Visit the website recoveryoursoulnet to book coaching sessions with me or find all the information you need about soul recovery dates that are coming up and how to register for those groups and workshops To support the podcast and the community. Check the links in the show notes to make a small monthly donation or a one-time donation of your choice. That will make a huge impact to support this community and the Soul Recovery mission. Together we can do the work that will recover your soul.

Speaker 1: 14:34

He goes on to say embracing and letting go are two sides of the same coin. If we get stuck in the embracing stage and we don't let go, we won't grow and individuate. On the other hand, if we get stuck in the letting go stage, we can't experience the nurturing and support that we need. After a time alone and apart, it will be time to embrace again. This is a cyclical process and it doesn't mean with the same people. It just means that this embracing, this getting what you need, this connection, this allowing resources, and then the moving away. It doesn't have to necessarily be in and out of relationships. Sometimes it's in a relationship where you really allow space and you come into it and then you release a little bit. The whole concept is around our own individuated growth and our own awareness of who we are separate from somebody else, detaching from their person, their needs, their systems, their beliefs, their own stuff and really attending to ourselves so that we can do hours and letting them take care of theirs.

Speaker 1: 15:56

He says some people have difficulty with one extreme or the other. Those who are wounded and afraid of intimacy are not good at the embracing stage. If they embrace at all, it's only briefly and then it's off to the races. So right. So if we've been hurt as we were growing up and we find it difficult to believe that we deserve love or can be loved, that sometimes we can't even do the embracing stage or really can't touch on it because it brings pain for us, they may leave a trail of tears behind them. Others have difficulty with the detachment stage. They embrace easily, but then they try to hold on, even when it's clear that it's time to part. They are often feeling hurt and betrayed. Clearly, either extreme is not healthy. Unfortunately, most people are not extreme in their behavior.

Speaker 1: 16:51

However, their lessons may lie in one stage more than the other. If you're someone who attaches and holds on, you need to learn detachment skills. If you're someone who is trouble connecting, committing, your lessons may lie in the detachment stage. You probably know which one applies to you and you may choose a partner who exhibits the other tendency, so that you can learn from him or her. Sometimes I wouldn't even know that we're doing this subconsciously, that we're choosing people who are going to help us in our attachment styles and be able to heal. If you see those relationships as learning opportunities instead of as something that's harming you, then you really can lean in and see them as your teacher instead of your armor. He says the practice Today. Practice recognizing any unhealthy attachments you have. These attachments may be to people, substances, addictions or ideas. See how these dependencies hold you back from moving forward in your life and be prepared to start letting them go.

Speaker 1: 18:02

The first step is usually to understand what the payoff is from each attachment. I think this is really fascinating because this is something that I talk to people a lot about. What is the payoff? I'm going to start again. The first step is usually to understand what payoffs come from each attachment. For example, you may be attached to your job, even though you don't like it, because it pays the bills we have to. The payoff is I'm going to be able to support myself. You may be attached to your relationship even though there's no intimacy there, because you don't want to be lonely or you don't want to have to go to work and support yourself. But being honest with yourself, this is really an honesty time to say why am I in this situation? That isn't something that brings me joy, isn't pushing me forward to my higher self. What is the payoff? What is this that's keeping me there?

Speaker 1: 19:00

He says you might be attached to drinking or smoking because it helps you deal with anxiety, even though you know it's taking a toll on your health. He says if there was no payoff, you probably wouldn't have a difficulty in letting it go. So you have to look carefully at the payoff and the cost of the attachment. What is the cost of staying in a job you don't like or a marriage that offers no love or intimacy? What is the cost of an addiction that is undermining your health? What is the cost of ignoring your own guidance and giving your power away to others? This is huge. What is the cost of you ignoring your own inner guidance and giving your power away to others? What does that cost you in your life, when you really think about it? Are you living from your truest self, from your highest self? What is the cost of continuing to stay in situations that are not healthy for you, he says.

Speaker 1: 20:08

When you understand the cost is greater than the payoff, you realize that you must take steps to free yourself from the attachment. Sometimes you can do this by standing up for yourself, speaking to your boss or to your spouse, going cold turkey, off booze or addictive substances, and other times it becomes clear to you that you need help from others to overcome the attachment and take the first step by asking for the help that you need. These are such powerful concepts to really look at. What is the payoff? What do I actually get from this, or at least, what am I telling myself that I get from this? Or sometimes it's even what is the unhealthy part of my brain telling me that I need this for that? This is why I'm here Versus, really, what is the cost? What is really happening in my life? Am I happy, am I unhappy? Am I healthy or unhealthy? Does this bring me joy or does this make me feel sad and detached? And it is also so important to realize that sometimes we need help.

Speaker 1: 21:21

You're here listening to this podcast because at some point you reached out and typed something into a search engine and here you are. And how amazing is that? Maybe it's. Sometimes it's just listening to a podcast or to a book or some sort of resource. That gives you what you need. And sometimes it's deeper than that. For me in recovery it was going to 12 step. It was committing to a 12 step program to stop drinking and also for Alenan, that that was part of the beginning of my deeper healing. That opened me up in a way.

Speaker 1: 21:59

For some people it is really leaning out to friends and really letting them know what's going on and stop hiding what is really happening in your life. So many of us try to pretend like everything's okay when really underneath it's not okay and sometimes just saying it out loud and hearing yourself share with somebody what the real cost is in staying in a situation or a relationship or a job that isn't benefiting you, that isn't healthy for you anymore Just saying it out loud really lets you feel and know the truth of what that is. So looking at what the cost and what the payoff is, what is asking for help look like, how can you empower yourself? How can you stop giving your power away? What do we need to let go of? What do we need to embrace Really powerful concepts? He says today see the cost of your attachment and take the first step towards freedom from that entanglement Today. Pick up the phone and call for help if you need it Today. Communicate your desire for change to the people who need to hear it.

Speaker 1: 23:12

Don't remain in your victimhood because you think you have no choice. This is one of my big things you always have a choice. Don't remain in your victimhood because you don't think you have a choice. You believe that only because you have been giving your power away. And then he says take your power back and take charge of your life one step at a time. This is such a huge comment because this is what I say all the time Take your power back. You absolutely have a choice and it isn't easy. It isn't easy to make big changes or to end relationships or end jobs or go no contact with people who aren't healthy with you anymore. But what we do when we do that is we're taking our power back and we're taking charge of our life. And in soul recovery, what we're learning is to trust our higher power, that we will be guided and led and resourced with everything that we need to be able to make those decisions that benefit us.

Speaker 1: 24:18

I don't believe that spirit wants any of us to be in a situation that is unhealthy, unhappy or unkind. It is not easy to stop being a victim. It's not easy to stand up for ourselves. There's a lot of fear of success. There's a lot of fear around actually stepping out from unhealthy thought patterns, beliefs, because we don't wanna fail. So this is about taking your power back and taking charge of your life, one step at a time, and sometimes those steps are teeny, tiny baby steps, and that is just fine.

Speaker 1: 24:56

So, he says, those who give away their freedom easily slip into victim consciousness and get trapped in a prison of their own making. The longer they stay, the more docile and powerless they become. Darkness and depression set in and the light continues to recede from them. Today, check the door of your prison cell. It's not locked, even though you might have believed it was. When you decide to leave, the door will open. Today, detach from all that is not helpful or empowering for you and open the door to a better life. You are a creator, not a victim. The proof of that lies in the fact that you alone create the prison and you alone can escape from it. This is so powerful and it's so hard to see when you're in the midst of pain. I get it. I get it.

Speaker 1: 25:59

I'm thinking of so many things right now. I'm thinking about when I was afraid to quit drinking, and I'm thinking about the struggle of watching my adult kids and learning to not oh my gosh go out and try to fix every single one of their issues, and I'm thinking about how I see my husband and my marriage and what glasses I choose to look through when I look at him at different situations, that I get to choose what my life feels like. That at any moment, in any of these situations, I can stand in lack and I can stand in fear, and I can stand in victimhood, or I can stand in strength and I can stand in compassion, and I can stand in awareness and I can look at the world in the way that I choose to see it. And I can remember to empower myself in this moment, right here, right now, that I can choose to leave the prison of my own making. That may mean leaving relationships. It may mean leaving jobs. It may mean letting people that we love have their own difficult experiences.

Speaker 1: 27:18

Detachment is not easy. It is not easy, but ultimately, this spiritual journey that we're on about, really, really, oh my gosh really loving ourselves and really believing in ourselves and trusting. Trusting that we deserve something more, that we deserve to be happy, that we deserve to be loved, that we deserve to be comfortable and contented, that we don't have to have everything be major drama or stress or the trauma that we grew up with, the chaos that we may have grown up with, that we can choose something different. It's incredibly powerful to realize that you get to create your life. Your life is what you think and feel and believe it is. So choose what you believe and what you think and feel carefully and co-create with spirit the life that is right for you, that I believe. Spirit is working through trying to provide for you, and it's a lot harder, to be honest, to wake up and be aware than it was to be asleep. Sometimes, when it's hard, I think, man, I could just go back to sleep, but once you've awakened just a little, it's pretty hard to go back. It's pretty hard to go back. So one of the ways that you can do this work is through journaling.

Speaker 1: 28:50

So his journaling prompt for this particular value is with whom and in what situation am I challenged to detach so that I can release myself from limitations that threaten my safety, restrict my freedom or prevent me from growing as a person.

Speaker 1: 29:12

We are here in soul recovery to grow as a soul, to recover our souls, to realize that the reason why we're here is to actually express as our fullest, most healthy, most vibrant self, and that these experiences that we're having in our life are opportunities for learning, even the hard stuff, especially the hard stuff, and that we can stop seeing it as happening to us and start seeing it as happening for us, that we can begin to really be connected to the process and let go of feeling like the world is attacking us, that people are hurting us, and realize that if we are healthy, if we're whole, if we are claiming our wholeness, no one can harm us.

Speaker 1: 30:05

Actually, we are completely attached to this belief that people hurt us and what we learn in soul recovery is it is as I choose to see it.

Speaker 1: 30:19

So it doesn't mean that hard things don't come. It doesn't mean that these aren't difficult situations, but that I can detach from the beliefs that have been harming me. I can detach from the people who are not making choices that align with my desire of who I want to be and how I want to live my life and I can detach from the belief that there isn't enough and remember that it's unlimited and I am part of this amazing universe that wants the best for me and feeling our feelings in all of this, really allowing yourself to have the process of uncovering and looking at all of the layers that come with all of these awakenings and all these awarenesses. What a powerful chapter around detachment from Paul Ferrini, as always. If you have any desire to work through this with me, I encourage you to schedule a coaching session with me and we can look at detachment. We can look at these beliefs and these patterns and the people in our lives that we're ready to let go of Until next time, namaste.