MANAGING (part 2): Al-Anon's 4 M's of Relationship - Mothering, Managing, Manipulating and Martyrdom: A Journey to Recover Your Soul

Are you constantly falling into patterns of Al-Anon's 4 M's -mothering, managing, manipulating, and martyrdom? Do you feel you are shackled by unhealthy behaviors that hinder your personal growth and relationships? It's time to break free and step into your most Soul Recovered self! Our second episode of four continues with the concept of MANAGING.  Managing in a relationship involves taking charge and making decisions to ensure that things run smoothly. It can be a valuable trait when done collaboratively and respectfully, but it can become problematic when it turns into control or micromanagement.

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This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not allied or representative of any organizations or religions, but is based on the opinions and experience of Rev. Rachel Harrison. The host claims no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the information presented herein. Take what you need and leave the rest.

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The Four M's of Relationship- covering Managing

Rev Rachel Harrison 0:27

We're currently in the second episode of a four-part series Al-Anon's Four M's of Relationship , mothering , managing , manipulating and Martyrdom . Last episode we went over mothering . In this episode we're going to look at managing . What I love about this concept from the soul recovery perspective is that soul recovery is really about learning how to let go of our need to control the world around us for us to feel okay . Another word for that is managing . What we're going to be talking about is how can you come from this part of yourself that is a positive , important part of how you can be in the world , and letting go of the part that's unhealthy , the part that is taking away your connection with others , eroding your relationships and taking away the autonomy of others to be in their own lives , in success or in failure , and for us to let go of managing who they are and how they should be . Enjoy the episode .

Rev Rachel Harrison 1:30

Welcome to the Recover your Soul podcast a spiritual path to a happy and healthy life . My name is Reverend Rachel Harrison . I started Recover your Soul after having profound changes in my life from my recovery of alcoholism , codependency and control addiction . I was guided to share the tools and principles of spirituality and soul recovery to help others transform their lives , as mine was transformed . For us to overcome external circumstances , we need to turn the attention to ourselves , focusing on our interchange and healing . Positive results in our lives will follow . Welcome back to Recover your Soul . I'm Rev Rachel and I thank you for coming to this podcast and spending your time with me today learning more about soul recovery . If you're new to the podcast , welcome . And if you are coming back , I thank you for being part of this amazing and growing community . Your being here is us holding this space together around finding a spiritual path to a happy and healthy life and learning to be okay even when other people or situations around us are not okay . We're in a four-part series based on the four M's of relationship mothering , managing , manipulating and martyrdom , and today we're going to be talking about managing . So if you're just coming in , you don't have to have listened to the first one to be able to get something out of this podcast , but I do recommend going back and listening to the mothering episode at some point .

Rev Rachel Harrison 3:10

Many of us have walked through this door into this podcast , and I created this podcast by walking through the door of Alanon . I'm a recovered alcoholic , but my husband is an addict . My adult children are addicts and I found that through Alanon I had such an incredible healing and awareness more than my recovery from drinking and in that I discovered that I was a codependent and I discovered that I was a control addict . I had no idea that I was a control addict and so what I found is I started really doing this work about six years ago and had this huge shift in my perception , this huge shift in how I showed up in the world , that I was caught up in managing everyone's lives in an unhealthy way . So , as we do these four pieces the mothering , managing , manipulating and martyrdom what we're looking at is how do we see these aspects of ourselves and I always say this , but I can say it over and over and it'll never be enough In soul recovery , we are not judging anything is right or wrong .

Rev Rachel Harrison 4:31

We're not judging somebody as good or bad . What we're learning to actually see is what is what it is . See it for just exactly what's happening in our lives and how we feel . How we feel how we feel in the experience , rather than looking at it from the perspective of what is a good thing to do , what is a bad thing to do . What we're starting to recognize is that , the more that we can appreciate and see what is actually happening around us from this released , detached perspective , we can start to pack our toolbox , our spiritual toolbox , with awareness so that we can show up in any situation , no matter how difficult it is , and be able to be okay , to be able to allow it to run its course , allow it to be in the flow , allow ourselves to let go of other people's lives and attend to ourselves and figure out what is right and true for us in that situation , and letting go of our old belief patterns .

Rev Rachel Harrison 5:43

And managing is a big piece of this , and I love that it's the word managing , because in soul recovery we are learning how much we're controlling , and control is a complicated word , so I actually love the concept of moving that into managing because it gives more of an idea of what it can be , because control makes us think that we're trying to elicit power over somebody else . And most of us who are in the doors through Al-Anon or codependency , we are actually walking through this door because we're trying to manage the world , we're trying to be a good manager , we're trying to take care of the people in our lives , and managing in a relationship involves taking charge and making decisions to ensure that things go smoothly , and there's really nothing wrong with doing that in a healthy way , and it can be so helpful and valuable if it's being done collaboratively and respectfully that it can be a problem when we start to micromanage and in the extreme we're stifling the other person's autonomy , and when we stifle somebody else's self and their independence and their willingness to be their own person , it creates great tension in all relationships . So this concept of managing is a huge piece of soul recovery , and the big thing that I want to really bring in is the importance of understanding that we're generally coming from a perspective where this is done out of love . This is done out of our desire to be helpful . This is done out of our desire to be of assistance to others , to help others and I've told this story before , but I'll tell it again which is when I was growing up . I was given so much praise for being independent . I was given so much praise for being able to figure things out , to be able to fix and solve problems from a very , very young age , and I got so flooded with that part of me that said this is how you get attention . This is how you get your emotional needs met .

Rev Rachel Harrison 8:13

By being the kind of person that people lean on , that people go to , that you can manage the situation well and for many of us , that related to being a good manager and overseer of our family . That really comes in as a woman's role in families is to manage so much of what's going on in the family . Think about that . It's managing people's time . It's managing people's calendar . It's managing well people eat what they wear . Oftentimes it's paying the bills . It's really looking at that whole part of being in charge of a family .

Rev Rachel Harrison 8:54

And when we look at our personality styles and again I say this again and again , but I can never say it too much the explanation of we want to hold on to and claim and feel good about the best aspects of ourselves and lean into those aspects of ourselves . Being somebody who can hold space and manage not only a family , but maybe being a manager at work or being able to be that friend that sets up the dates and makes sure that everything happens well , is a beautiful aspect of yourself . This isn't about taking away from this aspect of who you are and creating the truth of who that is and the value of this as a human being . Somebody in the world needs to be the good managers . We need leaders . We need healthy , positive leaders and you know people that come from this really healthy perspective of being a positive , healthy manager and leader and they radiate a desire to be around them . You feel safe around them . You want to be in their existence .

Rev Rachel Harrison 10:10

But what we're starting to look at in Soul Recovery is we're noticing within ourselves what are the unhealthy , what is the dysfunctional piece around my feeling like it's my job , my responsibility , that I have to , that I should be in this management control environment in the people in my life . That becomes a habit , that becomes a way of habitually being . That starts to erode our relationships because when we look at being in a relationship let's say a family dynamic and people don't feel like they have autonomy , people don't feel like they can be part of the decision making , it starts to erode the trust and starts to make it so that every time you step into a situation it's a battle , and being in battle with your family members in particular is one of the most painful places to be because it's lonely . It is really eroding of our ability to be in union and connection and what we're all looking for is we're all looking to be accepted and seen and loved and nobody wants to be overly critically managed by anyone . Nobody really wants to be told what to do without being part of that process and we fight back .

Rev Rachel Harrison 11:52

As soon as somebody attacks us , we are going to attack back . Always there will be attack and we may not even realize that this management that we're doing in trying to manage and be part of and making sure that everything goes okay for the other person feels like an attack . But this is an essential part of understanding our own process in our relationships and starting to turn the attention to ourselves , and part of turning the attention to ourselves is seeing our part . Part of turning the attention to ourselves is letting go of the other person and their behaviors as defining who we are , but a huge piece of it is starting to look at . How do I show up in this , what is my reaction ? How am I participating in every single situation that might be taking somebody else's feeling of being a partner in it away ? And if you think about the complexity around being in relationship and the being in control and how oftentimes that attack in a relationship starts to be who is in control , who's right , whose opinion is the right one , what is the right thing to do ? And as soon as somebody starts to feel like they can't do for themselves , that they don't have the ability to be seen as valuable , as needed , as wanted in the relationship , they start moving into their unhealthy behavior patterns . They come from the place of attack . And then we're acting out of our unhealthy behavior patterns and we're coming from attack . And you know what we do when we do that we start to manage and control even more , to try to grip and hold on to whatever we can , whatever we can to make us comfortable , to fix it , to change them , to manage the situation .

Rev Rachel Harrison 14:11

If you're ready for soul recovery , as a spiritual coach I can support your healing to help make real changes that will bring you a life of peace , happiness , connection and abundance . You can also work in smaller groups by taking a deep dive in a Zoom workshop or with me in person at a retreat or an event . Join others on the Soul Recovery Path , once a month for the free Zoom support group or daily on the private Facebook page . Visit the website recoveryoursoulnet to book coaching sessions with me or find all the information you need about soul recovery dates that are coming up and how to register for those groups and workshops . To support the podcast and the community , check the links in the show notes to make a small monthly donation or a one-time donation of your choice . That will make a huge impact to support this community and the Soul Recovery mission . Together we can do the work that will recover your soul .

Rev Rachel Harrison 15:37

Now think about in work , who the best managers that you've ever worked for . They're the managers who give you autonomy in your department or your job , that believe that , whatever your job is , that they see that you can do it and they know that you can do it well . And they give you kudos for when you're successful . But you're not doing it because you're looking for your manager or your supervisor to pat you on the back . You're doing it because it feels good to you , because you feel like you're managing your own space , that the work that you're doing has value , even if it's something that maybe you don't want to be doing . Maybe this isn't your perfect dream job , but you know that what you're doing in that moment is being done out of your heart , that you're doing it well , that you're being seen for it and if we can start to look at how do we show up and manage the situations and be the kind of person that helps set up the systems , that sets things into the right direction but isn't determining the direction every single step of the way . How do you let go ? How do you start to open up to everyone's ideas and trust and know that it's in the flow ?

Rev Rachel Harrison 17:09

That's where spirituality comes , because when we're acting out of our intellectual self , we're limited

Finding Spirituality, Letting Go

Rev Rachel Harrison 17:17

in what we believe is safe and true . But when we open up to our spiritual self , when we open up to the something even greater still , we can start to open up to the knowledge that the main manager , the main place that we can trust , that's in control , the number one place , is within our higher self that is released of all of this outside baggage , all these old beliefs that are so really rooted in old wounded pain from our childhood or from woundedness from previous relationships , or woundedness from our relationships that we've had from the past , and so everything that worth thinking is coming from the past , and of course it is . But as we start to open up in soul recovery , we start to allow ourselves to have selective memory , because if every step that we take is around control and management from pain , we are gonna be in fear . But if we allow ourselves to say , what did I learn ? How can I open up in this ? How can I see this different ? How can I show up differently in this ? How can I take care of myself and allow others to truly be who they are , see them for who they are and give them space to express themselves ? How can I let go and trust and it comes to opening to the truth that something even greater still is holding you in love , that you can trust that this essence , whatever that is for you , sees you , loves you , supports you , and that you don't have to hold on so tightly to every single thing that's happening around you for you to be safe and to be okay . When I think about my work life , I won't even go into family , because if you know me and have listened to this podcast , you've heard a million stories about me and my family and my kids and my healthy management and my very unhealthy management at times , my healthy control and my very unhealthy control .

Rev Rachel Harrison 19:49

I was given a management position in almost every single job that I ever worked , from a very early age and there's something really beautiful about that . There's something that I'm proud of in that , because I do have a sense of myself that I can hold space for , I can see the bigger picture . I love being able to hold the vision of what is it that we're trying to accomplish here . So early on in restaurants , I became a restaurant manager and then , as I became office manager and every aspect of what I had this part of holding the vision , holding the space of really wanting to be part of the lead team was an essential part of who I was and how I worked in my jobs and when I did it . Well , when I came from that aspect of myself , that personality of myself that could hold and see which person had which skill sets and put them in the right places so that they could fully express who they were , beautiful things happened and really allowing people to be seen and witnessed in those aspects of their jobs and letting them take ownership and pride in what they were doing . And I have so many memories that I'm just so happy and proud and grateful for for people being able to really express and be who they were in all of these environments and that I was seen by the people who are at the top as somebody who could bring that into the work environment . So much gratitude for them .

Rev Rachel Harrison 21:43

And it's very interesting for me to take a look at what is really my blind spots and to look at ourselves deeply and to see the places where we weren't acting in our best integrity , where we weren't coming from humility . When I did the 12 steps and it was very clear that self-righteousness was one of my character defects , one of my defense mechanisms , I have to say I didn't like it and I was . I was hurt by that that I , who I thought was somebody who cared and loved people so much , could be self-righteous . But I was . I was self-righteous . And I was self-righteous because there is a very fine line between wanting it to be done a certain way and seeing the vision of that and managing from that perspective and again , this can be in business or in family . And then underneath the line is the part where you're trying to manage and push and taking away the autonomy of people to be included in part of the decision-making , in making something happen . And that underneath I thought and I held onto the belief that I knew better , that my way was the right way . A little way I like to call the right way my way and when I was coming from that perspective , my heart was closed , my mind was closed and it was easy to be resentful and have grievance against other people .

Rev Rachel Harrison 23:29

And what's interesting is , at the end of my drinking I was working as an office manager for a home care agency and there had been so many beautiful years working there and there had been so many beautiful stories of us taking care of clients and having caregivers feel seen for this incredibly difficult work that they do and having an office staff that just loved each other . And when a little switch gets switched and it wasn't just me , but I definitely participated , I definitely participated there a little switch gets switched and you start noticing that things are starting to change . And because I was in really the depths of my alcoholism at that point , I was so not in my right mind , of healthy mind . My management from an unhealthy perspective , went out of control and when I look back on it I can't even recognize the person who was showing up to that job every day , yelling at people , slamming doors , being so angry . I don't even know who she was , because she was in pain and she was feeling so out of control and she was so wrapped in her addiction that it was a swirl of all of the darkness and all of the worst aspects of myself . And the more that I was wrapped up in those aspects of myself , the more I drink , and it's so interesting that the not drinking is an essential piece of my recovery .

Rev Rachel Harrison 25:14

But my greatest part of my recovery is this awareness around my inner self . And what was that control ? What was that desire for management , that push that I was doing so hard was trying to feel valued , was trying to be seen , was trying to think that I was worthy , that I was worth something , because I felt completely empty in who I was . And the more that we spend our energy trying to get from the outside what is lacking on the inside , the more we grasp onto this unhealthy management , this unhealthy control , this unhealthy clinging to the outside world to be a certain way , and then we erode our relationships , we put people on the battlefield , we interact with everybody in our lives from a place where they don't feel safe around us , and that's not what we want . We're actually bringing everybody on the side of being protected of us , and what we want is . We want connection , so the more that we can look at ourselves and start to unhook the hooks , start to manage ourselves and stop managing everybody else and go ahead and be the person who can set something up .

Rev Rachel Harrison 26:45

We're going on a trip in February of 2024 to Indonesia and I'm using my management skills to help set up the trip , but I'm watching me do it from a different perspective this time . Instead of me thinking I know the best way , that I'm in charge , that I'm going to do it , I do all the part that I love of investigating and looking at and maybe we could do this or this is the flight , or what do we want to do . And then I'm bringing Rich in and he has different opinions than me , and so , instead of battling over who's right , I can feel an energy that's different , that says what do we want to do here , what is the right thing ? And I'm trusting and knowing that spirit is actually holding the space and that one of my ideas may not be the right idea , that when I feel that part where another idea comes in or another suggestion and it no-transcript and it lets go of my need to have to be in control of everything , I know that it's the right place to go , releasing and letting go of this belief that we personally are in charge of and have to manage every single person and every single aspect in our life . We don't have to manage anybody else's addiction . We don't have to manage whether they are taking care of themselves in the way that they're supposed to . We don't have to manage the entire family and everything that's going on . What if we let go ? What if we open to the best aspects of ourselves as being the best managers that we can be and giving autonomy to every person in our life to be responsible for their own lives and holding the space from our best self ? Doesn't that feel good ? I know it feels good and I'm still working on it and I'm so grateful that I have come such a long way .

Rev Rachel Harrison 28:48

And yet this control , the desire to manage the belief that we are supposed to have to need to , still rears its head , but not as often , not as often as it used to . And , as I always say , if you want help learning how to do the soul recovery process , the types of soul recovery and how to start utilizing this in your life and looking underneath at what are the beliefs that set us up so that we're living from this place where we feel we need to , or have to , be in control of and manage everything and the pain that it's bringing us . That's what spiritual coaching with me is all about . That's what I'm here to support you on , so let's be our best managers . In the next couple of weeks , we will be talking about the next two of the four Imms that we will be doing manipulating and martyrdom .

Rev Rachel Harrison 29:44

Until next time , namaste , thank you for listening to this episode of the Recovery Soul Podcast and being part of this amazing and growing community . If you loved this episode and you want even more , there is a bonus episode with even more content every Friday . This is by subscription . You can access that by being a Patreon member and there's three tiers of giving of your choice or an Apple Podcast subscriber . Once you have subscribed , you have access to a whole back catalog of episodes as well . If you would go to the website recoveryyoursoulnet , and I would love for you to subscribe to email updates so that you can keep posted with everything that's going on different events , what dates are coming up , any reminders ? There's only a couple emails each month .

Rev Rachel Harrison 30:33

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Rev Rachel Harrison 30:36

You can find us on YouTube , instagram , facebook , the private Facebook community page , tiktok , and if you want guided meditations , look for Reverend Rachel Harrison on Insight Timer .

Rev Rachel Harrison 30:50

I really encourage you to take advantage of the one-on-one coaching . This is a unique intuitive connection between the two

Discovering and Healing Your Soul

Rev Rachel Harrison 30:58

of us . There are nine steps to soul recovery and I do use those nine steps to loosely guide us through whatever you're coaching that you need . But really it's about creating a way for you to feel comfortable around your healing of your past . Looking at the situations in your life what are the patterns , what are the beliefs that are holding you back ? Breaking free from those patterns , breaking free from those beliefs , letting go of control , letting go of the people around you and taking your power back , discovering who you are and who you want to be in the world and how I can support you to do this . And also , you're sharing this podcast with your friends , putting five stars , leaving reviews . Really sharing this with others is growing the community . Thank you for being part of this community , thank you for supporting Recovery your Soul , and I know that together we can do the work that will recover your soul .