MOTHERING (part 1): Al-Anon's 4 M's of Relationship - Mothering, Managing, Manipulating and Martyrdom: A Journey towards Soul Recovery

Are you constantly falling into patterns of Al-Anon's 4 M's -mothering, managing, manipulating, and martyrdom? Do you feel you are shackled by unhealthy behaviors that hinder your personal growth and relationships? It's time to break free and step into your most Soul Recovered self! Our first episode of four begins with a comprehensive look at the concept of MOTHERING - the balance that lies between nurturing and overbearing. We'll explore how these behaviors impact your relationships and personal growth, and how to shift away from guilt and shame towards self-awareness and authenticity.

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This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not allied or representative of any organizations or religions, but is based on the opinions and experience of Rev. Rachel Harrison. The host claims no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the informat

This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not allied or representative of any organizations or religions, but is based on the opinions and experience of Rev. Rachel Harrison or guests. The host claims no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the information presented herein. Take what you need and leave the rest.

Chapters

• 0:00 Exploring the Al-Anon 4 M's of Relationship
• 13:45 Using Soul Recovery to break free of unhealthy Mothering
• 30:47 Discovering Soul Recovery and Support

Transcript

Rev Rachel Harrison: 0:00

For this episode. I'm starting a four-part series on Al-Anand's four-imms mothering, managing, manipulating and martyrdom. We're looking at these from the sole recovery perspective of how we can be living from our truest, highest selves, letting go of behaviors and styles of interacting with people that are unhealthy, that aren't giving us the connection and the way of showing up that is best for us and the people around us. In this episode, we're going to be talking about mothering. It's a powerful concept. Enjoy the episode.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 0:37

Welcome to the Recovery your Soul podcast a spiritual path to a happy and healthy life. My name is Reverend Rachel Harrison. I started Recovery your Soul after having profound changes in my life. From my recovery of alcoholism, codependency and control addiction. I was guided to share the tools and principles of spirituality and soul recovery to help others transform their lives as mine was transformed. For us to overcome external circumstances, we need to turn the attention to ourselves, focusing on our interchange and healing. Positive results in our lives will follow. Welcome to Recovery your Soul. I am Rev Rachel. Thank you so much for coming and spending your time with me today. If you're new to the Soul Recovery journey, I am so glad that you have found this podcast and this community. And if you were coming back, thank you. Thank you for your energy, for being part of this desire to follow a spiritual path to a happy and healthy life, so that we are holding this container of being okay even when the people around us or the world around us isn't okay, and I know the power of us all being together and how important that is For today's episode. I wanted to come back to some Alenon concepts as my inspiration and when I think about how are we coming from this door of Alenon and codependence and stepping through this door, which really is around other people being a certain way, or our need to put other people first, and I think about how we walk through the door and then we are offered this opportunity to turn to ourselves and to rediscover who we are, to rediscover our wholeness, to realize that we're all on this spiritual journey together, that they are responsible for their growth, for their healing, for their recovery, and we are responsible for ours. But the more information that we can be gathering, more tools we can be putting in our toolbox, more spiritual awareness, the more that we start to untangle the complicated tethers that are so tightly holding us in our lives and often keeping us stuck.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 3:03

Today I wanted to talk about the four Im's, and the four Im's comes from an Alenon concept, but it isn't unique to Alenon. I would say. It's also Koda, it's also codependence, it's also oh my goodness, so many other things about learning how to have spiritual development, how to grow from our spiritual self and personal development as well. So the four Im's of relationship are mothering, managing, manipulating and martyrdom. And this is such a big topic that we're going to do this in a four-part series and we're going to hit each one in each episode, because I really want us to have a chance to assimilate, to really take in these concepts.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 3:48

And, firstly, I really want to make us realize that there's no judgment here In soul recovery. There's absolutely no judgment. We're not saying someone's doing something right or someone's doing something wrong. We're actually not saying somebody else in our life is doing something right or doing something wrong. We're taking guilt and shame off the table and we're looking at our lives from a perspective that is how do I feel? What is mine to do? What is my part in this? How can I show up from my authentic self? How can I not be attached to my wounding? How can I learn to look at the life that I've had so far and all the experiences that I've had so far and use them as teaching tools to get us to a higher state of presence in this moment in our lives, releasing all that no longer serves us. And so, by looking at these aspects of ourselves, what we're doing is we're naming and labeling and having awareness around behaviors that are either coming from our highest self and we want to grow more into or their behaviors or patterns or beliefs that are holding us back and understanding where they came from and then being able to do something from that. As we look at these concepts mothering, managing, manipulating and martyrdom in each segment of these podcasts, what we're doing is we're growing our authentic self and we're looking at these concepts that it only makes sense that our ways of protecting ourselves, our patterning, came from our younger selves, from our families of origin, and we're letting ourselves release them. We're surrendering to a new way of being. So let's get into mothering Now.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 5:43

When we talk about mothering, we're not talking about the act of being a mother and for some of us, like me, who's a mother, we can utilize parts of that in the mothering. But what we're looking at is this concept of mothering which is the nurturing, caring behavior that, when balanced, can create strong bonds and help support in relationship. But we want to look at the power of mothering that provides emotional support, that offers guidance, that shows empathy. And then we want to look at the part that excessive mothering, either for our own children or anybody in our lives, can be overbearing, can be smothering, can hinder personal growth, can leave relationships where people don't feel like they have autonomy, that we're over micro-managing what's going on in their life, that we think that we need to be the one to do for fix. We're suffocating the other people in our life and that's really what we want to take a look at and be able to balance today.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 6:53

Now, for many of us who are mothers, we come from that. Oh my gosh, it's just such an innate inside of ourselves part that is like the mama bear, right. If you look at all of the nature shows mothers will protect their young, that if you watch how they feed, that there's mothers who will make sure that everybody else stays out until they're young have had a chance to feed. And we feel that way in our own lives. We would do anything generally most of us for our children and we've been made to do so because they're helpless when they first come to us, when they are first born without milk, without being held, without being clothed, they wouldn't survive. And when we look at how powerful that innate biological part of us is, we want to make sure that we understand the value of that part of us.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 7:59

And then there's a part of us that comes from our experience, that comes from our conditioning, that comes from the agreements that we've made and how we were raised, that comes from beliefs that were created from our own childhood. And for many of us, what we're doing is we're swinging, maybe, away from how we were raised and we want to totally do it different, and for some of us, we're swinging the other direction. This is what the rules were, these were the ways that we were taught and we were given, and we hold on really tight to those and again, with soul recovery, because there isn't any judgment, we're just learning to actually see it for what it is, letting go of all these attachments to what is right and what is wrong and noticing what that feels like to us. And right now I might be talking to the mothers of what it felt like to be a mother to our own children and how we wanted them to be in the world, what we wanted them to get out of being our child, how much we loved them, what we wanted to do to keep them safe.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 9:16

I know for me that one of my main things in my deciding that I wanted to have kids. Well, I decided I wanted to have one kid because I'm an only child and it was really interesting, this biological thing that happens. We had Alex. We had him earlier than what Rich had in mind, that we would have children, because I had that biological clock ticking. I wanted, wanted, wanted to start a family and from that first moment there was a love that I had never felt before. And as we raised him, there is that pull that says I want to do more, I want another one, I want another one that's going to help protect and be part of the life of this first one and be part of our lives. And even though I had been really feeling very strongly around just having one child, that became very clear that I wanted to have two children. When I think about that time when I was having little babies and that desire to protect them and keep them from pain, and I've talked about this in other podcasts that that need to have that protection over children when they're little is really important, that taking care of them is really important, and I work with a lot of people who did not have parents who provided emotional support in the way that they needed, and I know for a fact that I did not provide for my kids in varieties of situations what they'll look back on their life and they'll realize that they needed, even though I was trying, even though I was trying.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 11:00

But what ends up happening is that we start looking at the part of us that is conscious of what is the archetype of being a mother. And again, you can be a man, you can be a woman, you can hold this energy, this female, this nurturing energy, regardless of your sex, regardless if you've had children. It is an essential part of all of us, in our humanness, and so when we look at us growing, the parts of ourselves that we want to move into that are a fuller expression of who we are. This mothering, from the healthy perspective of caring and support and nurturing and protecting, is a foundational part of us, opening up to our full expression of self, and there's absolutely nothing that is more powerful than having somebody in your life who is that unconditional energy of love and support that comes from this just foundational part of the feminine, of the divine feminine. And again, this isn't a male or female perspective.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 12:20

And what I wanted my children to feel is I wanted them to feel unconditionally loved by me. I wanted them to know that they were perfect children of the universe, that, no matter what they did, that they would always have a deep love that I had for them, that I wasn't trying to create them to be a certain kind of person. Well, that was my intention, that's what I wanted, that's what was in my mind, and I feel grateful that I had that awareness from a very early age, because I felt that way from my parents. But I can recognize how easy the slippery slope is to move into mothering from the perspective that can be overprotective, that tries to do for, that thinks that it's our job to take over, that really doesn't allow the other people to have autonomy in their own experience, because we're trying to keep them from the pain, we're trying to keep them from the discomfort, we're trying to make sure they have everything that they need and that that moves past that elementary, middle school age where you're supposed to do that for them, and then it moves on into their high school years and into their young adult years.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 13:45

And I'm right now again, I'm just talking about children. But I want to move that into the energy of the child. I want to move that energy of that desire to be, that nurturing. I'm there for you, I'll do anything for you. You can always count on me and I'll tell you what to do and I know what's the right thing to do and I want to protect you. And here's what you should do into our expansive life that includes our husbands, that includes our friends, that includes work, that includes our adult children. And now we've moved under what I call the line of this beautiful aspect of our personality into our dysfunctional, into our, into the part of us that is not coming from our healthiest place. It's really coming from that part that feels like it's our job to be in control of a situation or somebody else.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 14:49

If you're ready for soul recovery, as a spiritual coach I can support your healing to help make real changes that will bring you a life of peace, happiness, connection and abundance. You can also work in smaller groups by taking a deep dive in a Zoom workshop or with me in person at a retreat or an event. Join others on the soul recovery path once a month for the free Zoom support group or daily on the private Facebook page. Visit the website recoveryoursoulnet to book coaching sessions with me or find all the information you need about soul recovery dates that are coming up and how to register for those groups and workshops. To support the podcast and the community, check the links in the show notes to make a small monthly donation or a one-time donation of your choice. That will make a huge impact to support this community and the soul recovery mission. Together we can do the work that will recover your soul.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 15:46

And one of the things that I wanted to talk about in this video came from a recent interview that I did that will be airing around helping people in their addiction and what it talked about. Is it talked about in adult romantic relationships, in life relationships and life partnership that often when somebody has an addiction and I can see this with parenting too, but I want to talk about in the container of partners, of adult partners there's something going on with their partner, whether it's an addiction or a behavior or some sort of dysfunction. That isn't good and instead of supporting them, we move into mothering them. And again, this can be male or female, right? So it isn't necessary that you have to be a woman to have this part of us that takes over and starts to come from that overprotective helicopter mom part of ourself, right? That they say that they're going to stop using. They say that they're going to stop watching porn. They say that they're going to stop a behavior, that they're going to not spend money irrationally, that they're going to be more checked in. They say that they're going to do whatever it is and just like a mother would be going after a child about picking up their toys or cleaning their room or holding them accountable for what they said they were going to do, we take on that role with our partner and we become the mother to them.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 17:33

And if you think about that from the perspective of what you need or want in relationship and we could also look at this you know two-sided, where you say if I'm in a relationship, what I want is I want an equal partner, I want to be held and supported and seen by that person in my life. That's a healthy relationship. I want to be held accountable in a healthy way. I want to be supported when I'm not feeling good. I want to be seen for exactly who I am and accepted and loved for exactly who I am, and that when we think about the dysfunctional mother who's always correcting, who's always giving you a different way to do it, who's always saying let me do that for you, it takes you down a notch. It makes it so that you don't feel that you can stand in the center of who you are. It creates an environment where you're in your skin, feeling like you're being watched and monitored and have to behave for this mother figure. And if you look at that and you hold that space, that doesn't feel good and we do that back and forth in relationships. It's not a one way street.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 18:59

All relationships are two sided and the healthiest thing that can be happening in a relationship is for both parties to be looking at what is going on for them, both parties to be looking at how they can better themselves. And part of the unhealthy mothering that can happen is that we're putting so much energy on that other person to be better because we're trying to fix and help and protect and feed and clothe and house and hold this container, that we lose ourselves, that all the energy is going outward and we forget to take care of ourselves. I don't know a single woman who's been a mother who doesn't wonder who she is once her kids start getting into high school and start to wonder if I'm not putting all my energy into this. Who am I, even if it's just a small amount? It's a scale that is very varied between people.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 20:10

Some people have held on to their sense of self and other people have completely lost themselves in the joy of parenting. And there's again, there's no judgment in this. There's something really beautiful around really putting your energy into your family, and then there's the part where they become your identity and the mothering. This energy around mothering can take over in all aspects. Now, for me, I am proud of the fact that I have intense empathy and compassion for people and I love being able to connect with people and I love holding space for people, not just my kids, not just my husband, but for my friends, for the clients that come and do soul recovery with me, for our groups. There is something really powerful around being this, this divine feminine, and I love that aspect of myself. But I've done some real hard looks inside to see where I've gone under the line and what I can really recognize.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 21:22

In rich and nice relationship, where I can get off track, where I can get off balance, where I can start to be irritated by him, where I can feel uncomfortable, where I can start to question our marriage, that energy can really become the part where I feel like I'm playing this mothering role to him, that I want to have him be different with how he interacts with his clients. I want him to be different in how he interacts with the kids. I want him to be different in how he does the work around the house. And it isn't about not having an opinion and having needs. This is such an important part of soul recovery.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 22:11

We're never saying that acceptance fully accepting somebody for who they are, which is elemental and important means that then you are willing to take unacceptable behaviors in your life, having somebody who doesn't clean up after themselves or leaves everything to you, or you pay all the bills and you do all the work. None of that is healthy or acceptable. We're looking at how to create relationships in all areas romantic relationships with our kids, with our friends and work, how to have whole, healthy, balanced relationships. But when I come from the energy of mothering rather than the energy of being a partner, I can come from a place that's unhealthy. I can start to think that it is my job to do for him, that I can get frustrated with him in the same way that my unhealthy mothering of my kids would get frustrated, and that builds resentment. That builds huge resentment. And when we think that we are in a relationship with who is supposed to be our heart partner, supposed to be our equal, and we start treating them as if they're a child, we are going to be sorely disappointed and always, always frustrated.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 23:39

So what do we do about that? How do you switch it? The way that I switch it, the way that I look at it, is I start to look at what am I wanting to control and why am I wanting to control it? And can I look at and turn the attention to myself and look deeply at the part of me that is not having a need med, that is having an old memory brought up, that this is consistent and aligns with old feelings, old wounds, maybe that part of me that wants somebody else to save me, to show up and do something for me, the part of me that isn't connected to my higher self, that is coming from my woundedness, my part of me that gets sticky and stuck in being afraid or being angry. Those parts of me are the parts that need attention. Those parts of me are the parts that I want to give a voice to, and sometimes that voice is to stand up and say I need help around here. Let's do these dishes together.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 24:55

This actually happened the other night. Our dishwasher is broken and I actually turned on the TV because I can watch TV and do something. And Rich did his habitual pattern, which is the TV gets turned on. He sat down and was watching TV, and so I had put a pizza in the oven and I had started washing these dishes by hand. And all of a sudden, this huge rush of resentment rang through me, that I was doing the dishes, I was doing the pizza and he was getting to watch TV. And I felt that unhealthy mothering, that part that we did when we were taking care of our kids, where we are doing everything and they're the ones sitting around just enjoying the cafe that brings you the food and washes the dishes.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 25:49

And I started to feel that energy and I stopped and I recognized and I noticed I took a breath and from a place of my adult self, my healthy self, I went in and I said can you put the TV on pause for a second? And he put it on pause and I said would you mind coming and helping me with the dishes? That would be really helpful, and that we can get dinner together and then we can both sit down. I feel like I'm the one who's stuck doing the work while you get to relax. And he said yeah, absolutely. And he turned off the TV and he started helping. And then he came and he said I have a request and I love that we're starting to do this. This is new behavior for both of us. And he said I have a request. He said you're the one who turned on the TV and I'm just so used to just sitting down. That's what we do and do TV, and so often you're doing everything. I didn't even realize that I was leaving you to do everything. So if we could not turn on the TV, then I'd be more apt to help without you having to ask me. And I thought that was a really healthy interaction between the two of us and I really loved it because this is new work.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 27:03

I was staying above the line in my mothering. I wasn't enabling him to have that behavior and then to be frustrated and mad. And when I asked for what I need, it didn't come from aggression, it came from a healthy ask. And then he responded with an awareness of how that pattern had been set up and I wouldn't have seen that if he hadn't pointed that out. And that's how we are growing. And then, lastly, with our kids, we're moving out of this state of having done everything for them and into a place of letting go of that protective mothering.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 27:45

So, as I said earlier, with the animals that will protect their children, their cubs, their little ones, away from everybody else when they're young, if you watch those same shows, there is a period of time that comes when the mother will start to eat first and that the cubs have to start to fend for themselves. And then there's a period of time, depending on what animal system it is, where the mother will completely leave or completely step out from the doing for them space. And as humans we have a really hard time doing that. But as animals they know that at some point they have to walk away and they have to let them fend for themselves so that they can learn how to survive. And that doesn't mean that we don't unconditionally love them. It doesn't mean that we aren't there to support them. It means that we've moved into the place of the holding space for them and not the space of doing for them, enabling them and making them think that we are there to fix all of it. So here we are, working on the four IMS and we'll come back to the next ones Managing, manipulating and Martyrdom in the next episodes. Place your feminine divine, whether you're a male or a female, this aspect of the mother that is so powerful, this part of us that is caring, this part of us that is supportive, that offers guidance, that shows up with empathy, and be that in all of your relationships from your truest, highest self and letting go of the unhealthy part, where we're doing for, where we're overbearing, where we're smothering. We are allowing people to have their own experience and loving them through it, for being the beautiful, healthy mother and not the nitpicking, unhealthy mother. Until next time, namaste.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 30:02

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Rev Rachel Harrison: 30:47

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Rev Rachel Harrison: 30:50

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Rev Rachel Harrison: 31:03

I really encourage you to take advantage of the one-on-one coaching. This is a unique intuitive connection between the two of us. There are nine steps to Soul Recovery and I do use those nine steps to loosely guide us through whatever you're coaching that you need, but really it's about creating a way for you to feel comfortable around your healing of your past. Looking at the situations in your life what are the patterns, what are the beliefs that are holding you back, breaking free from those patterns, breaking free from those beliefs, letting go of control, letting go of the people around you and taking your power back, discovering who you are and who you want to be in the world, and how I can support you to do this. And also, you're sharing this podcast with your friends, putting five stars, leaving reviews. Really sharing this with others is growing the community. Thank you for being part of this community. Thank you for supporting Recovery your Soul, and I know that together we can do the work that will recover your soul.