Mel Robbins 'Let Them Theory'- Loving Detachment, and the Soul Recovery Path to Freedom

If you’ve ever struggled with codependency, people-pleasing, or the heaviness of wanting to fix what isn’t yours to fix. Have you ever wanted something so badly for someone you love… but knew deep down you couldn’t make them choose it? That ache — the one we feel when we care so deeply — is where Soul Recovery begins.

In this episode, I’m reflecting on Mel Robbins’ Let Them Theory and why it resonates so powerfully with what we’ve been practicing together in Soul Recovery. This isn’t just about letting go — it’s about learning to detach with love, to release control not from apathy, but from deep spiritual trust.

Let’s walk this path together — one moment, one breath, one loving release at a time.

Ready to take your Soul Recovery journey deeper?

Join Rev. Rachel in person for a transformative in-person weekend retreat—July 19–20 in Lafayette, Colorado, or September 13–14 in Asheville, North Carolina.  Learn more and reserve your spot.

This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not allied or representative of any organizations or religions, but is based on the opinions and experience of Rev. Rachel Harrison. The host claims no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the information presented herein. Take what you need and leave the rest.

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Let Them Theory
• 4:11 Detachment as Spiritual Awakening
• 11:02 The Illusion of Control
• 17:07 People Change When They Want To
• 24:01 Setting Boundaries While Detaching
• 31:08 Reclaiming Personal Power
• 35:59 Join the Recovery Your Soul Community

Transcript

Rev Rachel Harrison: 0:00

Have you read Mel Robbins' new book Let them Theory? If you haven't, I highly suggest it. I just finished listening to it for the second time and wanted to share on the podcast because it aligns so beautifully with what we've been working on for six seasons about learning how to let go of control and the power of loving detachment. Let them is loving detachment and let me is taking your power back. So we're going to talk about let them, from the soul recovery perspective. Enjoy the episode.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 0:31

Welcome to the Recover your Soul podcast a spiritual path to a happy and healthy life. My name is Reverend Rachel Harrison. I started Recover your Soul after having profound changes in my life from my recovery of alcoholism, codependency and control addiction. I was guided to share the tools and principles of spirituality and soul recovery to help others transform their lives, as mine was transformed. For us to overcome external circumstances, we need to turn the attention to ourselves, focusing on our inner change and healing. Positive results in our lives will follow. Welcome to the Recovery Soul Podcasting Community. I'm Rev Rachel. Thank you so much for choosing in onto your spiritual path to a happy and healthy life.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 1:21

We are going to talk about the Mel Robbins book, the Let them Theory because it aligns so beautifully and so deeply with what we've been doing for years in soul recovery that I couldn't help, after reading it for the second time or listening to it as I do the second time recently, to talk about it together, because any tool that we can get to help deepen our understanding is a tool that we should pick up and use, because we are here to let go of codependence, to let go of people pleasing, to release all those old patterns that no longer serve us and step into our full, authentic selves to live a happy and healthy life. That's why we're here, and I know that, for me, every time that I have another book or another podcast or another YouTube video or something that I listen to, that just deepens what resonates so truly within me of my knowing of who I am and how to be in the world, by choosing love over fear, by choosing an open heart and compassionate way of being from a empowered place that I just want more and more and more of that. And I listened to the book for the second time this weekend while Rich and I were driving to and from Santa Fe, and it was fun to listen to it with him and have conversations about it, because we're in this journey of truly learning how to step into this place of our wholeness and what I love about this particular podcast that I heard of hers two years ago. I looked it up that she had first aired her first Let them Theory episode where she talked about she had a kid who had gone to prom and she was trying to determine where they should go eat and somebody just said why are you getting your nose in this? Just let them. And then I did a podcast that was around that and that concept of detachment and since then millions and millions and millions and millions of people listened to that particular episode and she has since then propelled to the number one podcast in the world, which I think is fabulous, because the detachments episodes continue to be my top podcast too, because we are all learning how to let go of control. We are on a really like an awakening as a society of learning how to just let them, that our peace is really held within ourselves, in our ability to let go of control, and loving detachment is such a foundational piece of that. And you just think about you know, melody Beatty.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 4:02

When she first wrote Codependent no More. I read somewhere that she had no idea that the book would blow up the way that it did, because people were hungry for that. We're hungry for that in and you think, oh my God, how am I going to get my husband to quit drinking or my son to quit drinking or my daughter to quit drinking? And you walk in and somebody says, yeah, that's happening. And here's what we can offer you in your healing these tools that we're learning about recognizing that there are things happening outside of ourself that feel overwhelming, things happening outside of ourself that feel overwhelming, that feel out of control. But the more that we grasp and cling and try to make anything happen, the more we are harming ourselves.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 4:54

And so when I first got the book the Let them Theory on my Audible and Rich actually listened to the beginning of it when he was driving, when we were in California for the birth of our grandson Rocky and, as many of you know, if you've been listening to the podcast for a while, I've been married for 31 years now 34 years together, something like that. We've been together forever and I don't really share with Rich all of the soul recovery stuff because he asked me a long time ago to stop coaching him. And so I have a relationship with him where we share spirituality and we share some of the concepts, but he doesn't actually even know what the nine step soul recovery process is, because it's not mine to tell him. Right, it's my journey that I'm having within myself, right? So it's the just let him have his own spiritual journey, which has been a big piece of our healing, our relationship. So I remember that he came back from that drive and he was like, oh, I started listening to Mel Robbins. She's so great, gosh, just let them. And I laughed because I said, yeah, isn't it? I mean, this is what I've been talking about in soul recovery for five years. We're in our sixth season. And he laughed. He said, yeah, you're probably right, I should probably learn more about what soul recovery is in the first place.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 6:15

But that is actually an example of using the concepts and the principles of just let them, of not being in control, of not being hurt. You know, and when I listened to the book the first time by myself, and how beautifully she tells stories about herself and of people in her life and she uses research, she brings on guests to really research these concepts and to deepen this awareness from a psychological, from a science aspect. This is why I think everybody should listen to or read this book that's doing soul recovery, because she has more information that will help piece together what I've been talking about too, because for me, we're on a spiritual journey. This is a deeper, internal spiritual connection to something greater still. But the process that she talks about in the book, about really the active guidance, the action, action steps and the examples of how you can detach and just let them are such beautiful reminders of how insidious it is, in so many different areas of our life, for us to control and grasp and try to make it be different, and how it's causing us our own misery. It's causing us our own misery, right? I pulled a couple quotes out and she says if people want to go, let them. If they want to choose something that doesn't align with you, let them. If they misunderstand you, let them. This is a mindset that's a radical act of self love and non attachment, and we aren't trained this way. This isn't how we were set up. We were set up in society to learn to control and to take charge and to fix and to make things be different.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 8:17

Are you ready to step into your soul recovery. Visit the website recoveryoursoulnet to learn more about the nine-step soul recovery process. I hope that you'll join us the first Monday of every month for the free soul recovery support group on Zoom, where we learn more about soul recovery and connect with each other. If you'd like to work directly with me to move through the nine-step soul recovery process, I'm here for you, but you can also choose to work the steps on your own, with individual modules intended to support you to work at your own pace and on your own time. And if you want even more soul recovery, join us for the Recover your Soul bonus podcast for Patreon members and Apple podcast subscribers, where I interview amazing people sharing soul recovery tips for us and also do spiritual book studies. You can also find daily inspiration on Facebook and Instagram and join our private Facebook community. Visit the website for more information, links and registration for everything. Back to the episode.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 10:23

Well, what I want to lean into in the book that was really impactful to me, that she talks a lot about, especially at the end of the book, which is when you have people who are doing things that are not good for them, and she uses the example of a friend of hers who has a husband who is out of shape and overweight and is not making healthy choices, and what I actually thought was really funny about this was it actually reflected opposite. In my life. Rich has always been super fit and for him, like if he doesn't get enough physical activity or exercise, it plays out in his life. That's one of the reasons why he likes to surf and stand a paddleboard or mountain bike or whatever it is that he's doing, and his work that he does is very physically demanding and he likes that because he is somebody who needs to get his energy out that way. I've never been like that. I've never been into exercise. There have been seasons of my life where I worked out mostly out of vanity, to be honest, and not out of some sort of health thing and while I'm doing it, there's no part of me that thinks, oh, this is so great. All I'm thinking the whole time is is the class almost over? When is the walkover? How much more time do I have? I've never really been into it.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 11:43

So, as she's talking about this story, I feel like it's Rich and I, but it's Rich is the wife and I'm the one who's not as healthy, and I've shared with you over the years that this has been something where Rich has tried all the different things to try to make me be different and for a long time I actually thought that what he was saying was I don't love you being full figured. I'm not attracted to you. I will love you more if you look like this or this or this or this. Those are actually my inside stories that I tell myself, because when we would have more conversations, his conversations were always around. No, I just want you to be healthy, like you're my favorite person and I want you to be in my life forever and I don't want you to be in pain and I don't want you to have illness or disease, like I want us to have a healthy life.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 12:41

As I'm listening to this Mel Robbins book and she's gotten through a whole bunch of great chapters there's just so many chapters I'm not really going to do a good job on it, because I really am thinking of this particular chapter and she gets to this place where you have somebody who is doing something that is unhealthy and the response in in soul recovery as well is you're powerless. Step two in soul recovery is you're powerless over every single thing outside of yourself. And our attempt to control is an illusion that we think that we can control anything in the first place. But when we attempt to control, that's where our pain and suffering comes from, because we're consumed with this desire to make something be different. And I believe the name of this chapter was people only change when they want to, and this part of us recognizing that really, the only change that anybody ever makes is when they decide they're going to change.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 13:42

And she actually has great science in it that explains, like, how our brains work and that we all think we're the exception. Right, like I'm not exercising, I'm not working on my heart health, I'm not breathing heavy or doing anything that's extraneous exercise. I do think I'm the exception, that I won't be the one that has heart disease, I won't be the one that has something wrong with me because, you know, I'm spiritually fit. And this psychology that she shared with the truth that everybody thinks that they're the exception was fabulous because it explains even more how we are as human beings. But it also is the part where the other person is pushing so hard and when we push, there's no other choice than for the person to push back, the more over the years that Rich has pushed me to eat different or guilted me or shamed me. He's tried all the things. He's tried all the things, and the more he moves into those unhealthy patterns, which have stopped. A couple years ago they stopped, but the more he was in those places, the more resistant I was.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 15:03

And it reminds me actually of when I was drinking too, because when I was drinking, anybody who pointed out my level of drinking, even if they were coming from concern, my first response was well, I'm certainly not going to share it with you, or I'm not going to drink around you, or I'm not going to be friends with you anymore, because you're protecting this part of yourself that already carries its own shame. And so this ability to just let them allows people to be in their own experience. And she doesn't talk about it from a spiritual perspective, she just talks about it from a human being mindset perspective. That I thought was so great, the more that she explains about how just letting them, detaching with love, frees you up from your own pain and suffering. And then she has the let me, which is the empowerment, taking your power back that we talk about in soul recovery, and this in soul recovery is actually step five, which is releasing the old patterns that no longer serve us. So when we release people, pleasing, caretaking, rescuing these are the old patterns that we've been holding onto and they're keeping us from living our most authentic, healthiest self. And then we use detachment, we use releasing those belief systems that it's our job to fix or change, and then we move into our most authentic self, which is our let me, which is stepping into your new beliefs and stories, which is step six in soul recovery. Step into a belief and patterns that align with your higher self and your updated perceptions. Every time that we let them, the immediate response is how am I going to show up? What am I going to do? Here?

Rev Rachel Harrison: 17:00

And in this example that she gave of the wife who has a husband who isn't making good choices, she shares that that husband. Of course he doesn't want to be overweight. Of course he wants to be healthier. Same with me. I don't particularly care to be 20 pounds overweight or to not be in the physical shape that I want to. I've already got my own layers of shame around it. I certainly don't need someone else to layer that shame on me as well. Well, the same thing goes for my kids and their addiction or Rich, when he was drinking, which is why I didn't put a lot of energy around if he was drinking or not, because it wasn't a deal breaker for me. The deal breaker would have been if he was really drinking and was in behaviors that didn't work. For me, the deal breaker would have been if he was really drinking and was in behaviors that didn't work for me. But his addiction is his journey to have.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 17:51

And when we can use these concepts of really seeing the importance of letting other people have their own experience and the release that we feel and the freedom that we feel by truly understanding that it's not ours to decide or do for them, then we have more experience, more bandwidth, more energy, more like really ability to step into our own healing, our own journey, our own awareness, into our own healing, our own journey, our own awareness, and be present with ourself for our own recovery, our soul recovery. What she talks about in the book is how letting them sometimes means that it's a deal breaker. It's a deal breaker in, maybe, a marriage, right. You're truly letting somebody be fully who they are and in that it really lights up the reality that that doesn't work for you, that their choices are going to make it so that it just doesn't align, and that's okay In the end. Rich loves me, but he's not going to leave me because I don't like to exercise, but he will still choose for himself.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 19:12

What I watched him do, which I wanted to talk about, that she talks about in the book, which is what we can do in the just let me or in our empowerment place of ourself, is we model and live from the way that this works in our lives. And what we want to reflect and this is what I've been sharing with you in soul recovery for a long time which is be the change that you want to see. But you are not the change that you want to see in an attempt to control them. You are the change that you want to see, knowing that it is really the only way to create change, because the only way that people change is if they think it's their idea, which she does such a beautiful job in the book of truly sharing how, if somebody wants to get sober, even if you bring it to them, they will only really get sober if, in their heart and in their mind, they're ready and it's their idea to save themselves. If they're saving themselves for you, they might be having the actions, they might be going through the system, they might be going to treatment, they might not be drinking, but they're not actually healing because they do not and are not ready to heal.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 20:31

And if I look at where I am in my health journey, rich has completely stopped trying to control anything that I'm doing and teases sometimes if we're like having a dessert or something like that, and you know, he's like, well, I guess we're on the sugar wagon now or whatever it is, but it's not mean. But I'm actually starting to say to myself, without him pushing me and him actually making his, he won't eat certain things. He's like, oh, I don't eat that. Actually making his, he won't eat certain things. He's like, oh, I don't eat that. He doesn't say we don't eat that, or I don't want you to eat that. He says, okay, no, thanks, I'm, I don't eat that anymore. And it's inspired me. I'm actually starting to think to myself maybe I shouldn't eat that, or I really doesn't feel as good when I have that much sugar, or I really do want to be more fit and I'm making that decision for myself, and any of you who have been on this journey with me in the podcast for a long time know this is a long time journey for me, and this decision that I'm making in how to take care of myself goes much deeper than whether I'm going to exercise or not.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 21:42

There is still a belief underneath, around my value of who I am that needs to be addressed and given love from me, and that is something that is so powerful in the just let me part of any of these detachments that we're working on, the really embodying our whole self part, where, when we let go of everybody else, we're left with our own being. We're left with the knowledge that we really can't change them, nor should we, nor should we try to control it, nor should we try to control it. And at the same time, how do we attend to ourselves? How do we truly step in and say is this a deal breaker or not? And in the book, the answer was that, for this woman, not a deal breaker. She loves her husband If this is the body or the choices that he is going to make. Not a deal breaker.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 22:45

And this goes for a lot of us that are looking around in the Al-Anon world or in the addiction world, and for one person, their partner's drinking may not be a deal breaker and for someone else, total deal breaker. These are the choices that we get to make, because the let them part is the most important part, the detachment part, because that often means that you're actually watching somebody do things that are harmful and hurtful to them and, of course, we love them and we wish they would make different choices. Your friend group change over time or let your co workers be who they are. Those are really important aspects for your daily well being and we can always, always, always stop complaining at people who and we're driving or being pissed at the people in the checkout line for taking such a slow time. That's going to affect our lives in a positive way, for sure, right away.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 23:57

But these deeper ones, where you have people in your life that you love so much and they're making choices that do not benefit them. This is really where soul recovery's greatest teachings of detachment, forgiveness, compassion, love come into play, because we have to keep the attention on ourself, to really look deeply and honestly at our own shadow work, our own self that wants it to change, that has belief systems about it being our job, that we are given heavy responsibility as a child maybe, and so we're rewarded so much for being the one that can fix everything. So it's really hard to let go of the belief that it's our job to fix it. But that's the soul recovery offers is this ability for us to look more deeply at ourselves and connect then to our higher power, to even more into the woo of our spiritual journeys, of curiosity of what our souls are here to learn. In our curriculum of life here on earth school, what are we here to learn? And if we just let them for everybody to be on their own curriculum and we work so diligently and with such passion to really come into our fullest self, it will. It will inspire others.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 25:31

Rich's continued love for me even more deep than ever before. I feel more comfortable with him than ever before because he has stopped judging me and trying to fix this thing in me. Well, guess what if you were to ask him? It's exactly the same on all the things that I was trying to fix him on. It wasn't his drinking, it was his anger, it was his reactivity, it was how he was treating Alex, all of these things that I started letting him be in his own experience. Now I will say that I practice something that in soul recovery in the car on the way down from Santa Fe, that I think is important for us in terms of boundaries and us really being in the let them and the let me, right in the detachment and self empowerment space.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 26:29

Rich has never liked how people drive and he's a slow driver, he's a careful driver, he usually is driving a big old pickup truck and it doesn't go that fast and he gets very frustrated at the cars zipping around and cutting off and you know it, just, it just irks him. And so we were joking on the trip about how he could apply the just let him theory to the drivers. But what I recognized is I want to just let him be pissed, I want to just let. If this is who he is and it's going to piss him off, I've got to just let him. But it's his verbalization of what he thinks that is kind of putting his stickiness on me, right, he's kind of throwing up his irritation at them, on me, and so in a more healthier state of where we are in our lives right now, I said, hey, I have a request, which is generally how we start a conversation.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 27:30

That is, I need to have a hard conversation or this is something that I need. And he said, yeah, what's, what's your request? And I said, in the nature of the, just let them, because we're listening to the book. I said I don't want to tell you that you can't think these thoughts about these drivers. It's not how I see it, but I want to just let you. But I need to ask you to keep that inside of yourself. I want to just let you have the thoughts. But when you say it out loud, as if I'm supposed to agree with you or I'm supposed to do something about it, it makes me uncomfortable and it puts me back into old patterns where I'm anxious. And he said, totally get it, I agree. And it was amazing, right, because I could tell that he was irked at these drivers while he's driving. But he didn't say it out loud and I got to work on just letting him be pissed. Just let him. Just let him be pissed. It's okay, those are his feelings, he's entitled to those feelings. But I asked for what I needed and that was that was movement, that was strength, that was movement when we connect in a more healed way with the people around us, from this place of real grace for where people are and what they need to learn and where they are on their path and where their healing is, and letting go of control and reclaiming our personal power. Things shift so profoundly around us.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 29:09

Mel Robbins says the more I said let them, the more I realized that a lot of what I worried about wasn't worth my time, nor did it deserve my attention. That's one of her quotes. We spend so much time and energy on everybody else. What are they doing? What are they saying? What are they thinking? Why are they doing that? Why are they doing it that way? They should do it like this. They should they, they, they, they, they. And the more energy that we're putting on the they, they, they, they, they, the less energy we have to put on the me, me, me, me, me, not from the selfish end, but from a empowerment of your own experience. How are you choosing to show up? How are you choosing to see it? How can you be supportive in a situation that allows people to sit in their own discomfort enough to make change?

Rev Rachel Harrison: 30:05

She also talks beautifully in the book about how we have to be so uncomfortable in general to move the needle. You know, I'm certainly not going to wait until I'm really overweight to do something, but I am at a place in my own discomfort where feeling crickety and getting up off the chair after a couple hours and feeling tight and not comfortable is becoming enough for me to want change. And that's come because I'm being given space by my husband to be in my own discomfort without shame and my hope in my children as I let them have these seasons of sobriety in and out, have their own life experience. I'm certainly not throwing them to the wolves and hoping that it crashes and burns for them. I continually see them in the light. I send them so much positive energy all the time that they may be surrounded by love and light and make choices that align for them.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 31:09

I do not want them to have to go through the incredible depths of difficulty that I had in my life, but the truth is they went through those already in their lives. Maybe they've had enough too. Can I trust that? And can I trust that, whatever journey that they're on, I have to let them. I have to let them have those experiences.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 31:34

But the more healed that we are, the more attuned to who we are, the more sovereignty we have in our experience and the more we turn to love and light and spirituality and the God of your understanding and source energy in the universe, whatever you call it the more that you can trust that everybody's on the journey that they need to be on for their own awakening and to choose your awakening, because your awakening matters. And every time you stand fully and firmly in your light, choosing love in every moment, the more that that energy radiates out to those that are in struggle and that they may potentially choose something that's better for them. But we're not here to block their experience. And at the same time, it gives us more clarity to choose what are deal breakers for us, to choose who we want to be aligned with in our life and to recognize that we're being called and drawn to.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 32:40

As she talks about in the book, maybe the best friends we'll ever have are yet to come, because we're going to step up and we're going to engage in our life in a way that aligns and draws those people to us that truly resonate with who we are, those people to us that truly resonate with who we are, and that's the power of detachment and sovereignty and stepping into a new way of being and really letting go of control of the world, or, in the words of Mel Robbins, the let them theory. That's why I think this book would be great for anybody on this journey. And again you know, take what you need and leave the rest with Mel, with me, with whoever You're being called onto your own path of your spiritual awakening. The more that we use loving detachment and the more that we share these principles with others in loving and open ways, the more we're letting go of the tethered enmeshment as a society that we've had and the more that we're healing trauma that has been handed down for generations and learning how to love people unconditionally for just who they are. And those amounts of support and love that we offer people are transforming everything and they have so much power in them. So do not diminish the incredible power it is for you to step into your own sovereign, healed state. That's the power of soul recovery.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 34:11

If you want help with any of this, if this resonates with you, if you're interested in the nine step soul recovery process, go to the website recoveryoursoulnet. Work the steps on your own through the individual modules. Work with me one on one. Come to one of the workshops, come to a retreat, an in person retreat. In the next six months I'm going to be rolling out group coaching, which I'm super excited about. I'm just getting all of that aligned and worked out and I can't wait for us to really continue to deepen our soul recovery work together and to share this incredible transformation that isn't just here in this community but is happening worldwide.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 34:52

And the popularity of this book demonstrates the power of detachment. It demonstrates the incredible healing that happens when we let go and we let them and we turn the attention to ourselves and we recognize we are all whole. Until next time, namaste. All whole. Until next time, namaste. Thank you for listening and I hope that that helps support your soul recovery process.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 35:22

Just a reminder that every Friday is the Recover your Soul bonus podcast. This podcast is for Patreon members and Apple podcast subscribers and not only do you get an incredible interview or book study that comes with being part of that community, but your subscribing helps support this podcast and the Recover your Soul community. If you want to listen to those bonus episodes but can't subscribe right now, do know that you can be a free Patreon member and have access for limited time to new episodes. Visit the website RecoverYourSoulnet or check out the show links below for coupons and information for upcoming events. I thank you for sharing this podcast with your friends and family. I thank you for giving it five stars, and the reviews that are left bring tears to my eyes. I am honored to be part of your life. Together, we can do the work that will recover your soul.