Codependency in Disguise: Perfectionism, Fixing, and the Illusion of Control

Have you ever caught yourself thinking, "I'm only as happy as my least happy child"? This seemingly loving sentiment actually reveals a profound codependent belief that makes us responsible for others' emotions while neglecting our own healing journey. As I discovered with my own family, no amount of fixing or controlling could make my unhappy child happy—that was his journey to walk. Only when I released my grip on controlling outcomes and turned inward did things begin to transform.

Perfectionism, helping behaviors, and our need to "fix" others often masquerade as positive traits—but they're actually sneaky forms of codependency that keep us trapped in cycles of control. When we obsess over making everything perfect or rush to save others from their emotions, we're not being helpful—we're attempting to manage our own discomfort and create safety through control.

The 9-Step Soul Recovery Process offers a spiritual path out of these patterns. Through this process, we replace the drive to fix others with self-compassion, embrace new beliefs about our inherent worthiness, and shift our lens from fear to love.

This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not allied or representative of any organizations or religions, but is based on the opinions and experience of Rev. Rachel Harrison or guests. The host claims no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the information presented herein. Take what you need and leave the rest.

Chapters

• 0:00 Codependency in Disguise
• 12:10 Perfectionism as Control
• 20:50 Letting Go of Fixing Others
• 25:51 Soul Recovery and Asking for Help
• 29:00 The Nine-Step Soul Recovery Process
• 34:10 Shifting from Fear to Love

Transcript

Rev Rachel Harrison: 0:00

Today we're talking about codependency in disguise and you've heard me say this before but it is sneaky, sneaky thing control and that sometimes we don't even realize that we're using perfectionism or helping or fixing people and it's really just an attempt for us to create safety within our own lives, which we deserve to have safety. But there are ways to do it that are healthier. I'm going to walk you through the nine-step soul recovery process as we learn how to let go of codependency and step into your sovereign self. Welcome to the Recover your Soul podcast a spiritual path to a happy and healthy life. My name is Reverend Rachel Harrison.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 0:43

I started Recover your Soul after having profound changes in my life from my recovery of alcoholism, codependency and control addiction. I was guided to share the tools and principles of spirituality and soul recovery to help others transform their lives, as mine was transformed. For us to overcome external circumstances, we need to turn the attention to ourselves, focusing on our inner change and healing. Positive results in our lives will follow. Welcome to the Recovery Soul Podcast. I'm Rev Rachel. Thank you so much for joining me here today. I continue just to be so honored that this community is growing, that this community is coming together, that these words that I speak from my own soul recovery journey, from my own experience, touch you. They speak to you, that my stories are your stories and that there is some resonance, some alignment in how you see things, how you see the world and how things are coming together in your own life. That gives you the ability to remember. In soul recovery you're remembering your wholeness. You're remembering the parts of yourself that have been pushed down or trying to keep you safe, or the beliefs and the systems and the stories that we've created to see and make sense of the world around us. That's really complicated, and today I wanted to talk about codependency in disguise and I did a little work on it before we got started.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 2:24

And codependency in disguise is interesting because sometimes we don't even know that it's codependent behavior. I remember interviewing somebody who said, after she'd had her life fall apart and she was working on herself, her therapist used the word codependent and started describing codependency and she didn't know what it was. She'd kind of heard the word but she didn't think of herself as codependent, she didn't depend on anybody, she was dependent on herself, she was going to make everything happen. And yet in the end we are codependent because we are depending on others for our happiness. We want things to be a certain way, for us to be okay and, on some level of codependency, we're relying on somebody else for our physical, spiritual, financial, emotional needs to be met, and even if that means that we are in our element of perfectionism, fixing and the illusion of control. So that's what I wanted to talk about today, because I think that one of the things that happens a lot when I work with people is we start uncovering, through the nine steps of recovery process, the beliefs, patterns and stories that we have been experiencing, and perfectionism comes up a lot, and it isn't about doing things well.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 3:47

I did a Tony Robbins four-day virtual Unleash the Power Within a couple times with him, and both of those times he talked about excellence that you can have. I think it's fair, poor, good and then excellence. You know most of us are trying to go for good, but usually you go for whatever the level is and then you end up a level or two under because it's hard to maintain those levels. But excellence is really this drive and this push to really stand into your full self, to really stand into your full self, and I think that we can use excellence and mindset and success and goal oriented things to have some unrealistic expectations of what that looks like. Excellence, you know I'm going to be a certain weight. I'm going to be perfect. Everything in my house is going to be perfect. I'm going to be showy. I'm going to. All of that's ego is going to be perfect. I'm going to be showy, I'm going to all of that's ego. All of that is ego stuff. All of that is this drive and need to look good for others on the outside, for us to be okay. Right. There's that sneaky codependent behavior. Even if it isn't a person. You're depending on somebody else to validate you, to give you clarity and truth of who you are. And so when we start looking from this new soul recovery angle and noticing how sneaky codependency is, people pleasing that we're starting to recognize things that seemed like go-to behaviors and be able to manage them, look at them, deal with them in a different way.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 5:26

So perfectionism is very interesting, because perfectionism can be a level of excellence that things like to be done well. I just I'm thinking of Rich for some reason right here, because we just had our annual fall party and I always joke that we have to have one party a year because it lights a fire under his butt and he does a ton of projects around the house and starts completing things that were started. He wants it to look good. He's got all these things that he does and he's really, really good at them and he has this level of excellence does and he's really really good at them and he has this level of excellence.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 6:08

And I think in the past I got caught up in the what felt like perfectionism from a non healthy perspective, and I was always trying to save him from his own trouble, because I didn't like it when he was grumpy or felt frustrated or was upset, and so his kind of reactivity that he can have, which is his own, processing his own emotions, I codependently took on as my own and wanted to fix them for him. And so I would say, oh, you don't have to do it to this level, why don't you just do it this way, that's enough. I'm down here on the like, good to fair level and he's saying, no, I want to do things really well and that's actually a beautiful aspect of the work that he does and the truth is it's all done very, very, very well. If rich builds something we always joke if one will do rich ritual used to, you know it's everything that he builds is is really well done, very good. Well, there is a level of the perfectionism that he's finally come around and started talking about in terms of wanting to please people codependency, right, wanting people, maybe, maybe clients that he had to give him praise, to give him accolades, to give him the information about his value. This is where soul recovery comes in, because it can be a fine sticky line between those parts of us that are looking at perfection that is, around safety and reinforcement from the outside and looking good on the outside and having it all together on the outside, and that part of us that should be the best that you can be, not for everybody else, but for you. That if you have pride in high quality like Rich does, shouldn't he do high quality work? Yeah, he totally should.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 8:09

And when I finally understood that he's dancing around in his own head right around the parts that are the sort of the shadow part of it, and then that part of him that really does extraordinary work, and how much he feels good on the inside that when it's done, whether I remember he was finishing a project for somebody in our neighborhood and it really was at like 99% and I said you know, they probably won't even notice if you put this extra little trim piece on it. And he said I'll know, I'll notice. It's important to me that it's done right and this is the work that I'm doing and letting go of control, which is I don't know why I care whether he puts the trim piece on or not. I'm trying to save him from whatever feelings he's having and that's not fair. So the sneaky part about codependency is that behavior that I was doing to try to save and fix him from whatever uncomfortable feelings he might be having. That's actually not fair to him, because he's having those feelings.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 9:25

He's working things out for himself and we had a real came to a real head on this and I think I talked about this in another podcast. But there was an emergency situation that happened at my mom's house. She had a she has a renter who rents a room from her downstairs a little casita kind of thing and it was this guy who was there for a couple of years and when he moved out he noticed that there was some funky stuff happening behind the sink and then he opened up the wall and there was black mold and so then we had to bring in mitigation and they had to tear out a whole bunch of the bathroom and then we had somebody moving in and so it was like sort of this uproar. And Rich is down there doing things and he's finishing up working his company that he's had for the last 30 years and then he's working in his new job that is a county job which is for tens plus travel and getting up and everything, and so he was in the mix of all these things and he was really kind of at his limit of stuff. And then we're adding in my mom's bathroom which of course lands on him because he's Mr Fix-It in our family and I'm trying to bypass his work, I'm trying to save him from his work. And he said to my mother, he said I don't understand why Rachel is trying to keep me from doing what makes me feel good. And that was like a huge moment because my interpretation is that it doesn't feel good. I'm trying to fix it for him because I have a projection or I have an interpretation. I have a view of what I think he's thinking, but I can definitely have clarity around the reactions that he may have around his stress. That I take on, because my old limiting belief is it's my job to fix what's going on with you that you're being uncomfortable is my job to take care of.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 11:30

Are you ready to step into your soul recovery? Visit the website recoveryoursoulnet to learn more about the nine step soul recovery process. I hope that you'll join us the first Monday of every month for the free soul recovery support group on zoom zoom, where we learn more about soul recovery and connect with each other. If you'd like to work directly with me to move through the nine step soul recovery process, I'm here for you, but you can also choose to work the steps on your own, with individual modules intended to support you to work at your own pace and on your own time. And if you want even more soul recovery, join us for the Recover your Soul bonus podcast for Patreon members and Apple podcast subscribers, where I interview amazing people sharing soul recovery tips for us and also do spiritual book studies. You can also find daily inspiration on Facebook and Instagram and join our private Facebook community. Visit the website for more information, links and registration for everything.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 12:31

Back to the episode. So this control piece right. So then, I'm controlling. I'm trying to say, well, why don't you not do that? Or why don't you do it this way, so that you don't have to work so hard? And and it's complicated right, because ultimately, in the end, we're all just trying to it really comes down to safety. We're just trying to feel safe in our bodies and in our skin.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 12:57

And I think about how, for Rich and I, drinking was a way to relax. For him, it was drinking was a way to relax. For him, it was. You know, it was everything. It was a way to celebrate if he did something good. It was a way to check out if he wasn't feeling happy. It was. It was the solution to everything.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 13:15

And when you quit using a substance or a behavior and you're moving into a new way of being in your life, everything shifts and changes and you have to be in your feelings a lot more than you ever had to be in your feelings. So, part of me, I'm learning how to have my feelings, all of them. And yet when my family is having their feelings, I want to save them from their feelings. So that's part of it. But I want to really take a look at perfectionism from this other perspective, and I did a little bit of the nine steps on perfectionism. So I'm just going to look on my other screen and go through the nine steps recovery process with how we can look at perfectionism from the soul recovery perspective and the journey.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 14:05

On understanding the steps so in step one is called ready for awakening. On understanding the steps so in step one is called ready for awakening. And that's really recognizing that your dissatisfaction, your suffering, is from your internal belief system and of course we all have one and sometimes we're not even aware that we have that belief system. So recognize that perfectionism and fixing are signals of your suffering, that you're uncomfortable, because something is making you feel uncomfortable. So what are you going to do? You're going to go to an old pattern. I'm going to fix it, I'm going to take care of it, it's going to be perfect, I'm going to make sure everything's just good, and then you start to recognize that isn't working for you anymore.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 14:44

So awareness is the first step. I'm trying to make everything perfect so that I feel safe. I want you to really think about how much you do in your life to create safety and, for those of you who did not have the need met when you were younger, to feel safe. I want you to feel that underlying, constant part of you that has to be aware, attentive, hypersensitive, hyperconscious about trying to maintain or create safety. And just give that some grace, because that is actually the case for more people than you would think, that safety isn't just a natural way of being.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 15:37

And then step two is letting go of control. We're powerless over every single thing outside of ourself and you want to see how perfectionism is an attempt to control outcomes and how fixing others and his attempt to manage what is not yours to manage. So perfectionism is interesting because there's people who have perfectionism in the sense of, like their house has to be a certain way and everything needs to be lined up, tidy and the counters need to be wiped and the dishwasher needs to be loaded in a certain way, or they want all the pillows, you know, poofed in just the right way. Everything, all the clothes, have to be hung up a certain way. Feel how that has a bunch of different levels to it. One is it's nice to have things look nice, but there's a level of like real irritation and discomfort that can come sometimes when people are trying to create an environment that feels so perfect that they're going to be okay. And again, it's different than liking nice things and having this level of excellence that that enjoys having things nice. It's the perfectionism that wants and forces and needs everybody around you to do the same thing so that it all looks the same, because then you'll feel safe, you'll feel okay and it's embracing the fact that we're powerless over everybody. We're powerless over the outside world, and it's okay. Can we have requests of what we want and how it would be nice for things to be and at the same time not lose ourself, not lose our stuff, you know, and go kind of crazy and ballistic on the people around us because they're not meeting up to some criteria? We're all so different and I know for me that I like things nice but I'm also not that fastidious about things when you look at how powerless we are not powerless in our sovereignty, because we are ooh, there's so much strength in there but that part of us that wants to control and fix and make everything around us be a certain way, and how we're just making ourselves miserable. We're making ourselves crazy about it.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 18:03

Step three discover unhealthy patterns, beliefs and stories. Identify the belief underneath the perfectionism. There might be a belief in there that says if I do everything right, I'll finally be loved. If I do everything right, I'll feel okay. If I fix everything, I can make it better, and if they're better, I can be better.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 18:24

Remember the saying that started so much of this for me I'm only as happy as my least happy child. That started so much of this for me. I'm only as happy as my least happy child. And I had a very unhappy child and then one day you realize he may never be happy. He may never be happy, and that's how I'm going to be. I'm going to not be happy because he's not happy. I've done every single thing I can to make him happy. And as soon as I let that go and I really started doing this work, really started doing this work and my kids moved to California and I was not on top of them constantly or seeing every single thing that they were doing, every choice that they were making. They started being responsible for their own consequences and I didn't have to live with those consequences and I did a lot of tough love, loving, detachment. Oh my goodness, it's been a journey over the last five years and guess what? My least happy child is happier than he's ever been. Is it completely happy? No, but he's figuring it out. It's 29 years old tomorrow and he's in his own life now. I was powerless over making it perfect for him. I was powerless over making him happy. I was powerless over his relationship with his dad and all the complexity that they had. And the more that I let go and recognize that there was no perfect, there was no perfect family, there was no perfect thing that I could do, and that fixing them was not anything that I could do, no matter how hard I tried, it began to shift and change because I turned the attention to myself.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 20:03

And then step four is open to creating with a higher power. Invite spirit into the spaces where control used to rule. Invite spirit in. Recover your soul is a spiritual path to a happy and healthy life, a spiritual path of your understanding. So, in those places where you're trying to hold on so tight, so tight and you release and let that go, you release and let it go, you trust that there is something greater still, that there is source, light, god, jesus, divine spirit, whatever you call it, energy, universe, that that can be in the space that we're holding on so tightly to that. What if we let it go? Practice surrender. I hand the situation back to source. I choose peace.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 21:02

All the steps I mean I always say this like all the steps each have their own profound opportunities. I mean, I've learned so much about myself. I've learned so much about my spiritual journey, about my soul's journey through the nine step soul recovery process, through AA, through Al-Anon, through all the things that I've been through, and they all lead to the same top of the mountain, which is being connected to something greater still that spirituality of whatever you decide. It is when you leave the part of you that thinks that you're all alone and there's no one there for you, and you recognize you are surrounded by help, by help when I think about Recover your Soul and how it's transformed since I started it in 2020. I'm stunned. I'm stunned by the growth of the community. I'm stunned by how I've been led along the way, each step, learning something new all the time, doing everything myself, going around and speaking at communities, starting to coach, starting to really think of this as a not just a podcast, but like a community, and supporting this community, doing retreats, traveling all over the country now to do retreats. I could have never guessed that, but I didn't do it by myself and I certainly don't continue to do it by myself, not only in the spiritual realm, but by being willing to ask for help, being willing to ask so you can receive, being willing to start to think in different ways.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 22:41

I think about the book that I'm writing, my memoir, and how, when Maddie came in to start to collaborate with me, it was, you know, the first ideas we would do the nine step soul recovery process book. And then we started talking. She said you've got a memoir first and I'm not a fantastic writer, I'm a decent writer. And so we've gone through all these iterations of her helping guide me to be a better writer and then helping to move the words around just enough that it's a book that is going to really be compelling for everyone who reads it. Collaboration I just brought on someone for social media to trust and ask and receive. It turns out to be somebody that I had met, that worked at the Unity Church that I spoke at a lot in Denver, who is also studying to be somebody that I had met, that worked at the Unity Church, that I spoke at a lot in Denver, who is also studying to be a therapist who is into new age metaphysical stuff and is a fabulous marketing person To trust that there is something besides yourself that you can lean on in a healthy way to let go of the perfectionism.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 23:51

Lean on in a healthy way to let go of the perfectionism. Part of that perfectionism for me is holding on tightly to you know, I don't want anyone else to do it because I want it to be done this way is part of it, and that's a piece that's interesting to look at for myself. But more than that, I don't want to let it go because there's some belief that I've had that I have to do it alone, that it's mine to carry, that only I can do it. And asking for help feels scary because I didn't feel like I had a lot of help when I was growing up. So to lean into your higher power and trust that there is always help available to you if you ask for it, both on the physical realm of having people come into your life and on the spiritual realm that at every moment you can ask, you can ask and receive.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 24:40

And then we're stepping into step five, which is release old patterns that no longer serve. You Begin letting go of perfectionism as that protector that's protecting your heart, that perfectionism that's standing at the pain and the fear and thinking if I have everything perfect, then we're good. We'll start finding some evidence of how it hasn't served you or places where you don't need to be perfect and you have been safe, you have been held. Replace the drive to fix others with self-compassion and forgiveness. We're letting go of those parts of us, those beliefs that were held from our growing up that created the systems that kept us safe. We don't have to fix others. We can replace it with compassion and mostly self-compassion and self-forgiveness, to really step into that place where you're giving yourself grace for whatever beliefs, patterns and stories that you created to keep you safe. And then we're embracing new beliefs.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 25:51

In step six, claim a new belief I am enough. Even when I'm imperfect, I am enough and can be excellent, but it doesn't have to be perfect. I am enough, I am whole, I can let things be as they are. You start to really look at what is that belief system? And another one is others are whole and it's not my job to fix them. Man, when we can start seeing the people in our lives as souls that are, the souls are always whole. Our experiences are complicated and we're here on purpose to have those pretty wild experiences so that we can grow and shift and learn. And often we don't learn until there's something pretty intense that happens in our lives. Some of the most difficult moments in our lives create the greatest change and then we align with a new perception. Step seven shift your lens from fear.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 26:54

I speak of this all the time, man, when you can see through the eyes of love instead of fear. And love, from a spiritual perspective, does not have any codependence. It has no people pleasing, it has no perfectionism, it has no competition, it has nothing that needs somebody else to give to. It just is. And it's an unconditional love that goes both ways Unconditional to you. You don't need to prove anything to be loved. You don't have to do anything to be loved. And you recognize that loving people does not mean that you let people treat you poorly. It does not mean that you don't have an opinion. It means that you just hold space and you feel and are open to this energy that we've put a lot of definitions on, that we've put a lot of definitions on and you allow love to come in from that heart-centered place that is connection to something greater still. And then C relationships, not as problems to fix but as opportunities to grow. Wow, I've also talked about this so much that when you shift the lens that the people in your lives are supposed to do for you so that you can be safe, so that you can have and you switch it to, every relationship that I have is a lens and a mirror and an opportunity to learn more about myself and to, incredibly oh my gosh, sovereign continues to be the word that comes up to me sovereign self that is so, so rich in who you are, individually, uniquely, uniquely special and beautiful.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 28:57

And then step eight deepen your spiritual practice. Practice daily surrender through meditation, prayer and journaling. Use a breath or mantra when perfectionistic behaviors want to come in or fixing wants to come in. I release control, I trust love, I release control, I trust love. I use all is well a lot when I want to control, when I want to fix, when I'm feeling overwhelmed, I release, I let go, all is well, I release control, I trust love. Sometimes those repeated mantras, just you can use it in a breath, you know, breathe in for part of it, breathe out with part of it. You can say I trust love breathing in, I release control, breathing out. I trust love breathing in, I release control, breathing out.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 29:57

And then step nine in soul recovery is shine your light, the more you can step into your authentic self, which doesn't mean that you have it all together, doesn't mean you have it all figured out. Doesn't mean you have all the answers. Doesn't mean you're cooked yet. It means you're working on you, you're opening fully to yourself, you're learning who that is, but we're letting go of all the masks and all of those needs to be perfect, all of the parts of us that are filled with the doubt and the fear, and we're stepping into our fully authentic self and we're modeling that for others, which isn't perfect, by the way, far from it. As a matter of fact, being able to admit that we don't know, or being able to admit that we made a wrong turn although I don't think there's any wrong turns but that we, you know, chose something or did something, and you don't have to be right, you don't have to have all the answers.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 30:55

I think one of the greatest switches that happened in me, of many, was I used to think that I had to know the answers. So if you asked me something and I didn't know it, I felt like I had failed. And now, right out of my mouth, the more I know, the less I think. The more spirituality that I do, the less I know, which is totally true. It's just so much so if somebody asks me something, regardless of what it is, I feel so comfortable now saying I don't know, I'm not sure. I don't actually have to know all the answers, and in that I'm actually modeling that it's okay to not know and in that I'm actually modeling that it's okay to not know.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 31:44

I'm also modeling, hopefully for you, this incredible transformative journey of letting go of the need to control, letting go of the need to be perfect, letting go of the need to fix, and loving and feeling authentically and being present for my family in ways that are as unconditional as possible, which means that a lot of things happen that in the past I would have jumped all over and tried to do something different about, and really just being as much of a light as I can be, which means shining love and compassion on the people in my family and around me and around the world. Looking at this concept of how sneaky codependence can be and that when we step into our most healed, authentic self, there's so much opportunity for us to learn about ourselves in ways that will profoundly change the relationships around you. And the nine step soul recovery process is just one step that you learn at a time, just like in 12 step, but it's actually a it's almost like a spiral that's always going. I use these steps every single day to work through, to understand more, to deepen, to really step into my spiritual body, to continue to move even further into my heart, letting go of grievance, letting go of control, letting go of fear. Grievance, letting go of control, letting go of fear, and I'd say I'm probably 90% healed from my codependency, perfectionism and people pleasing. That's 10% is pretty hard to let go of, but it's not nearly as intense as it used to be. So I encourage you to work on these steps. If you want to do them with me, I'm here as a coach to work out a one on one with you and, as always, you can go to the website and there are modules to do the steps on your own. There's even a secret code in the show notes that have 50% off.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 33:48

I want everybody to have access to these, and so I hope that being part of this community has given you tools, has given you inspiration, has reminded you of your wholeness and that you have everything that you need within you.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 34:03

You are whole and I hope that you remember through my words and my actions Until next time. Namaste, thank you for listening and I hope that that helps support your soul recovery process. Just a reminder that every Friday is the Recover your Soul bonus podcast. This podcast is for Patreon members and Apple podcast subscribers, and not only do you get an incredible interview or book study that comes with being part of that community, but your subscribing helps support this podcast and the Recover your Soul community. If you want to listen to those bonus episodes but can't subscribe right now, do know that you can be a free Patreon member and have access for limited time to new episodes. Visit the website RecoverYourSoulnet or check out the show links below for coupons and information for upcoming events. I thank you for sharing this podcast with your friends and family. I thank you for giving it five stars, and the reviews that are left bring tears to my eyes. I am honored to be part of your life. Together we can do the work that will recover your soul.