What If I Stop Managing Everyone? Reclaiming Peace and Personal Power

When we’ve spent years managing, fixing, or worrying about everyone else, it can feel impossible to stop. But real peace begins the moment we let go of control and turn the attention to ourselves.

In this heartfelt episode, Rev. Rachel shares how a week camping with her family became a powerful lesson in loving detachment, boundaries, and spiritual sovereignty. Through laughter, worry, and grace, she discovered once again that control is an illusion—and that our peace is ours to reclaim.

You’ll learn how to use Steps Two and Three of the Recover Your Soul Process to shift from fear to faith:
Step Two – Recognize powerlessness over others and release the illusion of control.
Step Three – Notice the stories and beliefs that keep you stuck in worry or over-functioning.

Whether you’re a parent of adult children or simply someone learning to let go, this episode invites you to allow rather than manage, to stay curious instead of controlling, and to choose presence over perfection.

Because your serenity doesn’t depend on anyone else being okay—your serenity is your spiritual power.

This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not allied or representative of any organizations or religions, but is based on the opinions and experience of Rev. Rachel Harrison or guests. The host claims no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the information presented herein. Take what you need and leave the rest.

Chapters

• 0:00 From Control To Loving Detachment
• 1:15 Why Peace Can’t Depend On Others
• 3:20 Planning The Trip And Rising Anxiety
• 5:55 Sharing Others’ Stories With Care
• 7:27 Addiction Alarms And The Illusion Of Fixing
• 10:05 Using The Nine-Step Process To De-Spin
• 15:25 Night Worry Versus Morning Reality
• 17:05 Choosing Curiosity Over Pressure
• 19:26 The Engagement And Old Patterns
• 21:24 Journaling To Name Fear And Let Go
• 23:49 Flipping Defense Into Assets
• 25:44 Honest Talk About Drinking And History
• 27:44 Trusting Adult Children’s Souls
• 29:44 Presence Over Anxiety On The Beach
• 31:44 Gratitude, Growth, And Ongoing Practice
• 33:04 Resources, Community, And Next Steps

Transcript

Rev Rachel Harrison: 0:00

What if the most loving thing that you could do is to stop trying to manage everyone else? I just returned from a week camping with my family, and let's just say nothing tests you and your spiritual growth quite like a family trip. And as Ram Das so beautifully said, if you think you're enlightened, spend a week with your family. Today I'm going to share how the old patterns of control were so easy to creep right back in and how I used my recover your soul process to shift from fear to faith, from managing everyone else to simply being present and curious about their journey. If you've ever felt like your peace depends on everyone else being okay, I get it. This is what the recover your soul process is all about. Enjoy the episode. Welcome to the Recover Your Soul podcast, a spiritual path to a happy and healthy life. My name is Reverend Rachel Harrison. I started Recover Your Soul after having profound changes in my life from my recovery of alcoholism, codependency, and control addiction. I was guided to share the tools and principles of spirituality and soul recovery to help others transform their lives as mine was transformed. For us to overcome external circumstances, we need to turn the attention to ourselves, focusing on our interchange and healing. Positive results in our lives will follow. Welcome to the Recovery Your Soul community and podcast. I'm Rev Rachel. Thank you so much for choosing in on your own journey of healing and awakening with me. I just got back from a week camping on the beach in California with my family. And in the words of Ram Das, if you think you're enlightened, spend a week with your family. And I wanted to continue on with last week's episode, which was around parenting adult children who are addicts. And really, even this isn't necessarily gonna lean mostly on the kids, although it probably will, but it's really around this continued journey that we're doing in recovering our souls, where we're learning that we've spent so much of our energy and our time really putting all of our focus on everybody else, worrying about the future. Oh my gosh, how much worry has happened, and being really in this obsessive place of trying to make sure that everyone else is okay, that we've given our power away, that when we are needing other people to be okay for us to be okay, then we're giving it to a place where they may never be okay. They may never be okay. And then we leave ourselves without the ability to choose and decide and make a choice in our life about how we are going to be in our own skin. And this journey, here I am, 55 years old. I'm still working it. I'm still working it. And this last couple weeks has been a testament to the recover your soul process in such a huge way. And we've been planning this trip to Halama Beach for the last six months. It's something that we do every couple years with another set of families, and it's really fun, and yet it's a lot of work and it's very far, and it's this whole deal, you know, to go to the beach and go camping. And the boys have come on and off over the years, and I was excited to bring Rocky and bring Lexi and have everybody all together, and Alex and Bodhi, and you know, the whole family together and be able to really connect. And then, as you know, if you listen to last week's episode, um, some major stuff went down with Bodhi in the last week, and I was wound up and rightfully so. I think, I think that one of the things that has been so clear in this process of my own recover your soul journey is giving myself grace and learning how to be gentle with my own experience. Because we've been so conditioned to take care of everybody else. I mean, this is what codependency is and people pleasing, right? Like we have been so conditioned to be hyper-focused and over, over, over, over functioning in how we manage and take care of everyone else. We we dismiss how we feel. And this is what I hope that you're getting out of the recover your soul process is that it isn't about not feeling the feelings. Because when a couple weeks ago, when the uh life hit Bodhi in the butt with some pretty substantial consequences for the choices that he was making. And I've had a conversation with him about, you know, how much I can share. And the truth is, I'm I'm trying to share the minimal amount that I can because I I'm always trying to protect the privacy of my family. And you wouldn't think so since I talk so much. But they have all thankfully, very graciously given me full permission to really speak about our family, knowing that the words and the stories that I share are helping so many people. And they are very invested in that process, which I'm so grateful for. And at the same time, I'm really only sharing a percentage, you know, a portion of it, because it's their stories to share. It's their stories to tell, which um, it's reminding me right now of one of the topics that came up in the Asheville retreat that we were working on was how do you talk to people about what's happening in your life with either your children or your spouse or family members or people you care about, and be able to tell what's going on with you without oversharing their story. And I think this is the part that's really interesting because we're all so intertwined, but we don't want to be enmeshed. Letting people be who they are and be on their own journey, not controlling, letting go with loving detachment. How do we allow what is happening, like really allow, listen to the word allow, not just accept, but really allow them to be on the journey that they are, whether they're a child or a spouse or a family member or friend, while still holding a compassionate space for them and their experience, and at the same time, really connecting to yourself and what you are doing in this moment. So when we are talking about other people, it isn't about not sharing situations that are happening, but it's also about being cautious about the story that we are telling. And in the recover your soul process, the third step of it is to get clear about what your stories, beliefs, and patterns are. But we speak and think in story. So we have to tell the story, but what is the story that we're telling? Two weeks ago, when Bodhi had a pretty substantial situation happen that was based on his choices that he had been making, and he had been slipping a little bit more and more and more into his addiction. I had seen him in Asheville, and then we'd had a conversation with him, and you know, the alarms had gone up. And as a parent, I think what I hope that I'm always giving you, or even if it's not a child, but as a loved one of someone, it isn't to not have the alarm. It's to be cautious about the story in which you tell yourself about the alarm. Because then we start to try to control, which is step two in the recover your soul process, right? Step two is we are powerless over every single thing outside of ourselves. And that the illusion of this control is what causes our suffering because we think that we can and should and have to take care of it, fix it, make it better, change it, have it be different. But in the midst of that, there's a lot going on that is fear. And fear is a valid feeling to have. Bodhi's in this situation, he's had a pretty substantial situation happen in his life that's kind of hitting a wall and bringing his addiction situation to a forefront. And I get very involved. And I get very involved because part of what he's talking about is going to um to going to treatment or choosing an outpatient or doing something that's gonna be that next step. Well, as a loved one of somebody who is an addict, we want that so bad, right? Like I want the magic wand that is going to be the fix. This has been my thing the whole time with both of my kids, with my husband. I want that thing that is going to fix it. But as I've gotten deeper and deeper into my spiritual journey and recovering my soul, I'm I'm realizing that that's an illusion all on its own, that there's some fix that's going to keep things from being challenging because life is challenge. And so as we were moving into this trip to go camping that we've been planning for six months, I'm already kind of in this spin. And we all get in the spin. And one of the things that I wanted to really share with you is I've been doing this work for like seven years, solid. And I still had a level of spin. But what I am so grateful for is that using the nine-step recover your soul process gives me a path to work through the emotions in a much faster and cleaner and healthier methodology to return back to myself so that while I'm working on it, it can it can turn around faster. I think about how what's happened in the last two weeks probably would have taken me months in the past to be able to work through. But it happened very quickly. So the week between Bodhi's incident and when we left for Halama was one week. It felt like so much happened in that week. And what I watched myself in the beginning of that week, and I recorded the episode, this lat the last episode, um, in the first day or two of the situation with him. And so it was very interesting to be in that raw place there. And then to watch myself throughout the week um bounce back and forth between the part of me that knows that this is his journey. This is what we talk about in soul recovery and recover your soul all the time, right? This is his journey. When we can truly see the souls within the people that we love, and that we can't possibly understand where their lessons are, what path that they're gonna take. One of the things that I said to him was, and I can't remember if I said this in the last episode, one of the things I said to him was, at each moment we're making a choice of what our soul is doing and learning and growing from. The learning and the growth will always happen, and there is always a decision that can be made about whether you want it to be a more complicated and maybe more painful learning. And it's not bad. There's no judgment there. Or it can be a path that might be a softer way. And we want everything to be the softer way. That's what we want that magic wand to be. We want to create a magic wand that makes everything a softer way, and and that's because we need to feel safe. We really want them to be okay for us to be okay. So by the time we get to Halama and we're, you know, planning this trip, Rich and I are flying in, which is kind of funny. So we've always driven with our little camper, but this time we're flying in, we're getting a U-Haul camper van, which was so funny, a U-Haul moving van. We brought our own air mattress and a suitcase and our sleeping bags, and we're counting on the kids and our friends to bring the everything else the stoves, the all the camping supplies. So we've more bare bones showing up. And we show up on Sunday. Did we show up on a Sunday? Yeah, so we show up on Sunday. It's this massive windstorm. I mean like 40 mile an hour winds on the beach. And then Alex and Lexi and Rocky show up and they're putting up the tent in this howling wind, and I'm feeling nervous and scared that the baby's gonna be sleeping in the tent, and we're sleeping in this van, and I'm wound up tight. I mean, I am wound up so tight. And Rich just keeps going, You gotta, you gotta relax, you gotta quit trying to control. And I'm feeling like a failure. You know, I'm feeling like I'm screwing up because I'm I can't let go. I'm afraid of the baby being in the tent. And I'm saying, maybe we should sleep in the tent and they can sleep in the van. And everybody, everybody, all of them are saying, Rachel, just shh, it's okay. We've got it. It's all gonna be all right. I wake up at two o'clock in the morning. I see that Bodhi's arrived. He's in his truck with his with his tent. And I hear Rocky crying a little bit in the middle of the night, and then I hear him stop, and then I hear them talk to him, and I and I wake up in the morning and I get out and I see that Bodhi's in his truck, and I go over and I look over the top of their little tent because it has one of those star-gazing tops, and they are just laughing and having the best time with Rocky inside of the tent with them. And I thought, I was up at two in the morning for like an hour worrying about whether they were okay. And if they weren't okay, they would have come and asked us. They would have come and said, This isn't going to work, will you switch? And I watched that part of me that was an older part of me that spent so much time consumed around worrying and thinking about and trying to save and trying to fix. And of course, that's what we do as people who care about other people. So it isn't about taking away or diminishing the fact that we're these loving people, but it's around the part of us that thinks it's our job to take care of it. And then in the morning, Bodhi gets out of his tent and being able to just see him and hug him and look him in the eyes after this sort of wild week that went that happened with him. I just felt that sense of gratitude for the recover your soul process. Just breathe. Just be here now. Just be with this family here now. And Rich and I had decided that we weren't gonna spend the whole week processing and kind of harping on Bodhi about all the potential ways of things being done or what we think or what he what we think he should do, because that's who we used to be. That's that part of us that is just trying to fix and help. But the truth is, we wanted to be curious. I mean, it was beautiful that we could have this conversation together that said, let's remember we're curious people. We want to be curious about his soul's journey. We want to be curious about his choices that he's gonna make. We want to be present for him to make the decisions that he's gonna make on his own. And then the other part of this weekend was that Alex was gonna propose. So we knew that he was gonna propose. He had a family beautiful diamond ring from um, from my dad's side of the family, and he had been kind of waiting on when he wanted to propose. And so he decided he was gonna do it while we were there, and it was the day after the big, big windstorm, and that day was perfect. It was perfect, it was a beautiful day. Uh, they were cheerful, the baby was cheerful, everyone was cheerful, Bodhi was cheerful, we're there camping, and everybody is partying except for Rich and I. Like Lexi and Alex are having beers in the morning. It was kind of like this whole thing where you look at it and you go, okay, you know, am I gonna let this get me? Because I am still surrounded by a family of addicts. My kids are still addicts. And one of the things that happened over the trip was that we had some really interesting conversations about um rich and I'd drinking when they were younger. And they were good reminders for me about how we view things from the lens in which we see them now. And sometimes we forget to have some humility and be honest about who we are. So they're having a ball, they're having a great time. The baby's safe, everybody's good, every, you know, it wasn't completely like insane over the top. It's just camping, partying, beers, hanging out. They end up getting engaged in the afternoon. It was the sweetest, most beautiful thing. She is just so excited. They are so in love with each other. It was a beautiful, beautiful moment, a beautiful, beautiful day. But I'm still wound up. I'm still in that place where I want to make sure everything's good and everything's fine. And I'm having them reflect to me, like, mom, like, shh, it's okay, you know, like we're all right. And this is the piece that I think was so interesting because I needed to really take the time to reflect on how it was feeling for me. You know, I I don't think that I ever gave myself enough time to really see how many moving parts there were when we were all living together and how much energy I was trying to expend to try to make sure everyone was okay, that I didn't really know how to go underneath and figure out what was happening for me. Well, what what is it that I'm feeling? What is it that I'm thinking? So I went down to the beach by myself and brought my journal with me. Love my journal, right? This is like my friend. It's how I can slow my brain down enough. And I asked myself some questions. What are you feeling? What is going on? And what I was feeling and what was going on was that I was afraid that some big blow-up would happen. That we've had so many situations in the past, trips and time together where everything seems fine, and then something happens, and then there's this huge eruption. And I had a conversation with myself around how that feels scary. And I went back and looked at my younger self about how I don't like conflict and I'm afraid of there being a blow up, and and that part is fearful for me. And I gave myself credit for saying, Yeah, that is fearful for me. And then I said, How realistic is it that there's going to be a big blow up of some sort? Not very realistic, actually. And then I said, Well, who do you have control of? Nobody, not a single thing, not a single person, not control of the weather, not control of the my children who are choosing to do whatever it is that they're choosing to do. Powerless over everything outside of myself. And I could feel that freedom that I hope that you get when you're using these steps of the recovery soul process, right? I'm powerless over them. I'm powerless over their attitude. I'm powerless of whether they're happy or sad. I'm powerless over this, I'm powerless over that. And something shifted. And I remembered that this part of myself that is hyper, hyper-vigilant doesn't feel good to me. And then I found myself journaling and saying, these not feeling good feelings, these are the reminders that there's something to look at. That when you're hyper controlling, you're actually harming yourself. And so then it was not much more time that I just settled. I just released and let go. And I thought to myself, I'm powerless over every single thing around me except for me. And if I'm wound up tight, if I'm feeling agitated, if I'm trying to over-control, it's actually making everybody else around me agitated. So how am I going to help them if I'm actually creating an energy that has an agitation around it? The greatest gift that I can give is to be my full, authentic, gentle, kind, sweet, loving self. And that's who I wanted to show up anyway. That's the truth of who I am. We talk about the character flaws that come from 12 step. And I use those in the recover your soul steps because they're not flaws, but they're defense mechanisms. So when I'm in that hyper-vigilant state, it's actually fear that is what I'm trying to, what I'm trying to control. But it doesn't help. It's not a tool that helps. It actually the assets, the parts that flip what I call flipping the card, looking at the assets part instead of the defense mechanisms. The assets are really the strengths of the places where I can say I can be more patient or I can be more releasing control. I can, I can be non-judgmental. And so I had conversations, and I've talked to you so many times about the value of having honest conversations and not pretending like there's not an elephant in the room. And one of the conversations I had with them was that the drinking, you know, I asked about the drinking. I was like, I said, you know, I have to be honest, it's kind of hard to see drinking when my preference would be that it would be different. And the assurance that I got back, whether, you know, I'm gonna take with a grain of salt and take what you need and leave the rest as it is and everything, uh, that I always get back is, you know, one of Alex's responses was, you know, part of the situation is that we often are all together when we're happy on vacation. And when we're on vacation and relaxing, is kind of like when we actually party a little bit more because it feels like fun. And that's when the conversation happened around Rich and I and what it was like growing up and what we did. And part of that conversation actually started because one of the beta readers' feedback that came back from the memoir was what did your family think about your drinking? And I thought that was a really good question because I always assumed that Rich's drinking was what was harming my kids, quote unquote, right? And that my drinking didn't create the same kind of harm because I didn't have anger. Well, I did go into hyper control and hyper functioning and this sort of this kind of bitter is the word that's coming, but it's not the right word. It's like uh control. It's really control and this desire to try to make it all be a certain way to such an extent that it's actually it has this palpable tension behind it. And so I was asking them what they thought about my drinking, and they both said, you know, we didn't really actually know that you guys drank so much. Um, we knew that the energies changed, but we didn't really notice or see you drinking per se. And then we started talking about the friends that we had, and as we were talking about the friends that we had, oh my gosh, like all the memories just flooded in of how much the alcohol flowed on such a regular basis, so much of their younger lives. And so here I am. To be honest, I felt like a hypocrite because I'm watching them drink not nearly as heavily as probably Rich and I did at certain places or going on trips or camping or the things that we did. And it's making me uncomfortable, not because of their behaviors, because they're fine. It's because now I'm sober and my fear is that everything's gonna fall apart. And you know what it might. And two weeks ago, some stuff went down with Bodhi that was really hard. But guess who has to deal with it? He does. And you know what happened in the week together was I looked at him in the eyes and I saw him. And as I share with you and I teach you, I looked at his soul, I looked at that inner part of him that is the truth of who he is, and I listened. And the things that I see in him means that I believe in him, I trust him. I trust both of them. And that doesn't mean that they're gonna make choices that aren't complicated, but the more that I can trust their souls and their inner beings to make the decisions that they need to make, the more that we can allow them, really allow them, not just accept, but really allow them to be on their own journeys. The more that they have this opportunity to step into the human beings that they are here to be, the souls and these human bodies. And I have absolute faith. I have absolute faith in both of them, watching them over this past week, both of them in their elements as adult men. You know, I don't know if any of you have had this experience. I was looking at both of them. They were, they were smiling and laughing, and the little crow's feet, wrinkles that were starting to show up around their eyes. And I thought, these 20-something-year-old men are adults. And here I am, you know, kind of clucking around, trying to make sure that everything is good as if they are still children and they're not. They're fully self-supporting through their own contributions and their lives. They are in their own element, they are doing their own thing, they are responsible for themselves. Alex has this beautiful family that now is an engagement, and they were so attentive to Rocky. They had such a great week together. They laughed and listening to them in the tent with him and in the middle of the night or in the mornings with him laughing and talking. And while we were there, he was really saying mom, mom, mom and dad, dad, dad, dad. And it was, it was incredible, right? Like being in those moments. If I was able to take away these fearful parts that have worry attached to them, but I attended to myself. And the more that I relaxed, the more I was able to be present in each moment and just have a good time and just let it be whatever it was. And those moments were the best moments. And now when I look back, I just posted on my Instagram a little reel with some of the pictures. So you can go look at that if you want to see what our camping trip was like. You know, you see just people having a great time. And, you know, was every moment perfect? Nah. Did we make it through the windstorm? And oh, there was also all the rain, but then there was beautiful sun, and you know, they went out and were swimming in the ocean without wetsuits on and laughing and playing. And Rocky didn't like the water when we put his feet in the water, and we had, you know, wild steaks on the grill, and some of the the raccoons came and ate some of our food, and you know, all the things that happen. And when I look back now, I think, what was I so wound up about? And I I trust and know that whatever choices that they're making are their choices to make. They're their choices to make. And the more that I can just be supportive and loving and witness them and see them as the beautiful souls that they are, the more that we all are connected and loving to each other and and just the gratitude that they'll share their lives with me and share what they think and feel in their own ways. You know, each of them have their own, their own journeys, their own ways to go. I continue to be curious about my experience and how hard it continues to be for me to let go of control. Even to this day. So as a wrap-up, it's not about beating yourself up for the moments when you spin. It's about recognizing that it's a part of your feelings. We need to come back on a regular basis to our recover your soul experience and using our tools so that we can stay grounded, so that we can come back to ourselves, so that we can be in the presence of what can feel chaotic or difficult and be able to really allow ourselves to just be in this present moment right here, right now. Until next time, Namaste. Are you ready to recover your soul? I hope you'll visit the website recoveryoursoul.net to learn more about the Recover Your Soul nine-step process to healing and awakening. You can work directly with me with one-on-one coaching. You can do the steps on your own through the program modules on the website. And I hope that you'll join us for the once-a-month free Zoom support group where we come together and connect and share our Recover Your Soul path and journey. Every Friday you'll find the Recover Your Soul bonus podcast for Apple Podcast subscribers and Patreon members. Free Patreon members have access to each new episode for the first week. Be sure to follow us on social media on Instagram, Facebook, and even join the private Facebook group to connect with others on the Recover Your Soul journey. You can also subscribe on the website so that you have access to emails that tell you all about events, workshops, retreats, and everything that's happening. Together, we can do the work that will recover your soul.