Al-Anon and Powerlessness: Detaching with Love When Someone You Love Is Hurting

What do you do when someone you love is hurting and you cannot fix it?
This episode explores one of the most challenging spiritual lessons, learning to detach with love. Through the lens of both Al-Anon and the Recover Your Soul process, we look at how to witness another’s pain without absorbing it, rescuing them, or losing yourself in the process.

We reflect on trusting each soul’s journey, creating compassionate boundaries, and choosing your own peace even when the people you love are struggling. This is tender, sacred work, and it reminds us that we are held by something greater still.

This episode is from the Recover Your Soul Bonus Podcast earlier this year, and if this episode resonates with you, I invite you to become an Apple Podcast subscriber or Patreon member. You’ll receive an extra Recover Your Soul episode every Friday and have access to an entire library of deeper teachings, meditations, and spiritual reflections.

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This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not allied or representative of any organizations or religions, but is based on the opinions and experience of Rev. Rachel Harrison or guests. The host claims no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the information presented herein. Take what you need and leave the rest.

Chapters

• 0:00 Why Al‑Anon Lens Matters
• 2:25 Spiritual Grounding And Community Growth
• 4:54 Detachment As A Core Practice
• 8:39 Powerless Over Others’ Pain
• 13:02 Gratitude, Prayer, And Release
• 18:29 Detaching From Children’s Struggles
• 24:43 Rachel’s Story: Fear And Control

Transcript

Rev Rachel Harrison: 0:19

If you're listening to this episode when it airs in December 2025, I'm on vacation, but I'm going to bring you some of the episodes that are Al-Anon through the lens of Recover Your Soul that had aired on the Recover Your Soul bonus podcast on Apple Podcasts and on Patreon. I know that you're going to love this. Let's jump right in. And we're continuing our series in reading In All of Our Affairs, Making Crisis Work for You by Al-Anon Family Groups. And we are in the chapter that's on reflections on responsibility and detachment. And today we're going to be talking about being powerless over others' pain. This is especially difficult if you are looking at the pain of your family members, especially your children, which is what this little section is on. Supporting and witnessing without trying to fix is incredibly powerful. And when we can see the wholeness in everyone in our life, it allows them to walk through painful situations with the learning and the strength that is opportunity there for them to see. Enjoy the episode. Welcome to the Recover Your Soul Podcast and Community, a spiritual path to a happy and healthy life. My name is Reverend Rachel Harrison. I started Recover Your Soul after having profound changes in my life from my recovery of alcoholism, codependency, people pleasing, and control addiction. I was guided to share the tools and principles of spirituality and the recover your soul process to help others transform their lives as mine was transformed. For us to overcome external circumstances, we need to turn the attention to ourselves, focusing on our interchange and healing. Positive results in our lives will follow. Welcome back to the Recover Your Soul Bonus Podcast. I'm Rev Rachel. Thank you so much for being an Apple Podcast subscriber, a Patreon member, and helping support the Recover Your Soul community and taking this deeper dive into your own soul recovery journey. It's incredible how we are just continuing to grow. And I hope that you can feel the resonance of all of us here together doing this profound spiritual work, a spiritual path to a happy and healthy life, that we are indeed using the tools of spirituality, of our own higher consciousness or desire to awaken, our desire to see our lives from this new perception that's allowing us to really step into this, knowing that we can be okay, even if the people, if the situations around us aren't okay. And there's so much going on in the world right now. There's so much just energy in everything. If you believe in astrology and what's happening in all of those places, the energy of all the politics. And then we have all of that playing out within our own families and within our own lives. And I want to give you the opportunity to really step into a place where you recognize the strength of who you are to be able to be in difficult and complex situations from your wholeness, from your strength, from your knowing that you are indeed held by something even greater still, that your higher power is walking this path with you, that we're walking this path with you, that you're not alone. So many of you have come because of Al-Anon. And I am so grateful that I was willing to actually talk about and use the words Al-Anon because when I first started doing the podcast, I was so scared to say that I was in Al-Anon or that I was in AA because of the 12 traditions. And I'm not Al-Anon. I'm not affiliated with Al-Anon. It is incredibly, incredibly impactful and has been such a big piece in my life. But I'm so glad that I actually talk about it because it's not supposed to be what I talk about in soul recovery. It's not supposed to take over and be instead of. It's in addition to. It's in addition to because we need more. There's more information coming. And AA and Al-Anon came a hundred years ago. And there's so much more that we can take in that we've all learned about ourselves and about this spiritual path and how to be in complicated situations. And then our lives have gotten even more complex than it was before. So much information is coming at us all the time. And in your response to a poll where I said, What do you want to hear more about in these bonus episodes? And I really want this bonus podcast to be a value to you, that you feel like you're able to come every Friday, that you're able to get something even deeper. And then you can go back in those catalogs and you can find interviews and all these book studies that I've done to really deepen your soul recovery. And I want this to be high value for you. So when I asked you what you wanted more of, your answer was Al-Anon. You wanted more soul recovery in reflection to Al-Anon. So right now I'm reading out of in all of our fairs, Making Crisis Work for You from Al-Anon Family Groups. And I opened it up the last time that I was doing one of these episodes to, of course, the detachments section, because this is such a foundational piece of the soul recovery journey is learning how to detach with love, how to unstick ourselves, how to untangle ourselves from this enmeshment that we've had with the people in our lives, our addiction almost to what's going on with them and how to fix them and how to control them, our codependent nature. And last time we talked about choosing not to enable, and that was the first section in this chapter. And then today was powerless over others' pain. And just like last time, I think it's so interesting how this work is not just for me to tell you. This work is that I'm doing this work myself. I mean, every day I'm getting an opportunity to use these tools and principles to make a decision to be happy, to choose my own way of seeing my life and the world around me so that I can have peace within myself, so I can be okay when everything isn't okay around me. And so I thought this was such a great chapter because, or part of the chapter, because being powerless over others' pain, especially when we're talking about our own kids, is really, really, really hard. So if it's not your kids, and maybe it's a parent, or maybe it's a spouse, or maybe it's a friend, it is equally as difficult. And so this section, I when I read it in preparation for today, is heavy. And I'm grateful that it's heavy because I think that there is so much that happens that is intense and is indeed dense in how it feels to us that we think we couldn't possibly use these tools for for this. This is too much. You can always, always use the tools. There is nothing that is too much because you are so able to handle what you don't even believe that you can, because when you do it through spirit, when you remember your wholeness, when you come at it from a spiritual perspective, when you remember that you are not alone, when you allow the tools and principles that come from being in a spiritual path, the load will always be lightened. That is the promise of every religion and every spiritual teaching. So I'm gonna read out of the book and then I will reflect in the soul recovery way. So it's powerless over others' pain. It's something you read about in the papers, it says. Those were my words over and over again after I learned that my daughter had been incestrilously involved and blackmailed by her stepfather. See, that's heavy, had been blackmailed by her alcoholic stepfather. This is one of those things that she's saying. It's one of those things you read in the papers. And so I think when we look at this, we look at it in our own lives that we end up having some sort of situation that just seemed like, why me? This couldn't possibly happen to me. But these difficult situations happen. They do, they happen, and they are very real, very, very, very real. She said, those were my words over and over again after I learned that my daughter had been incestuously involved and blackmailed by her alcoholic stepfather. It's difficult to find anything to be grateful for when a situation like that happens. My Al-Anon sponsor encouraged me to try. It wasn't long before I found myself being grateful that my daughter could speak up and let us know what was going on, and that she wasn't pregnant, and that there was no other physical damage, and that she was alive. Just finding those first things to be grateful for, because we can be so angry, so angry. And then she says, Other parents haven't always been so lucky. I found myself consumed by hate for a man who had done this. I knew only one sure release, and it was a tough way to go. I started praying for him. My first prayers were, God please bless that bastard. Eventually I would say his name with my higher power, and it gave me release. I wanted to take the pain from my daughter and have it myself. But in Al-Anon, I learned I was powerless over her pain. As my Howard Power restored me to sanity, I realized all I could do was be there to reassure her that she didn't do anything wrong. Al-Anon members remind me to take care of myself so I could be there for her. Bless my higher power for directing us to a wonderful counselor with compassion, understanding, and humor, a fine gift at such a time. My daughter's coming along fine. I feel she'll always have the scars, but I've learned to trust that her higher power is working in her life, and I must leave him to do what is his to do. I told you it's a it's a heavy topic. And I like that it's such a heavy topic because there are some really intense things and very painful, difficult things that absolutely happen to people. And if we believe somewhere in us that they can't handle it, that they are broken, that they'll never overcome this, we're actually putting that into the truth. We're creating that as truth. We're saying that they can't handle it. And we're always, always creating from our thoughts what we think and feel and believe is the life in which we experience. This ability for us in our letting go of our codependent place to allow people to be in their pain, to have difficult situations is incredibly difficult because we have an underlying belief in our psyche from our upbringing, from our conditioning that generally tells us that we have to take on other people's burdens, that we're responsible for how people feel, that if we're responsible if they're okay. And if someone's in pain, we're supposed to fix it. Well, step two in soul recovery is we are powerless over everything outside of ourself. We're literally powerless over it. And it doesn't mean that we don't show up with compassion, with grace, with tenderness, with sadness, with grief. It means that we are powerless over how it is for them. And on the other side of that, we need to let them have those feelings, are taking away their feelings and sometimes actually not allowing them to process things in the way that they need to by trying to bypass that it hurts for them. Of course it hurts for them. And when you have a situation that has the intensity, such as sexual abuse, there's so many layers, so many layers to it, that we have to give someone the chance to work through it in their own way. And some of that is pain and some of that is shame, and some of that is guilt. But that's the part, if we truly trust that we're spiritual beings, if we can really step into the place that says, I have to understand and know that these challenges that we have in life, that some of them are incredibly, incredibly terrible, but that we can overcome them, that when people do things to each other that are so unkind, it's because there is pain behind them. There's anger, there's upset, there's there's so many layers of back history of belief systems and patterns that are around dysfunction instead of wholeness. And in soul recovery, we're stepping more and more and more into this place of allowing people to be exactly where they are, trusting that it's part of their experience to become who they're supposed to become. And then we can put our energy on ourselves. And the reason why this is such a powerful passage for me in my life right now is I was just having breakfast with one of my best friends, and I was saying that it's so interesting how I've done so much work in releasing my codependency and being detached and allowing people to have their process. And it sure feels easier when things are easy. It's so much easier to be able to say, oh, look at how far we've come, or I feel so peaceful when when things are pretty status quo, when the water's pretty calm. And then there'll be a storm of some sort. And right now, the storm in my life is Alex and his girlfriend having a little baby. And it's interesting how much for me I want to believe that I can completely release and let go of whatever their journey is and whatever my son's journey is. But I'm watching myself make up a bunch of stories that actually aren't true because he's had some feelings, some feelings. It's not even like he's had actions. He's had feelings that he is willing to share with me, which I'm so grateful that he's willing to share with me, about being scared, about this being hard, about not being sure. And that is a level of pain. He's experiencing pain. I'm powerless over what his pain is. But all those old systems, all those old codependent belief systems that say it's my job to fix, it's my job to take care of, that is surrounded by fear, absolute stunning fear that it's all going to fall apart. And I watched myself begin to interact with him as if he couldn't handle it. And he was giving me no indication that that was appropriate. This was me doing it out of my own fear and kind of going back to a 20-year-old and when everything was really hard for us, because I'm afraid. Where am I trying to control? Where am I trying to fix? Where do I think that I need to do for them? When the truth is, whatever these feelings that he's feeling, whatever pain, whatever fear, whatever, whatever he's going through, I have to trust is part of his journey. Not just his journey that it's going to be a hard journey, but like his hero's journey into the truth of who he is. And when I allow myself to really feel my higher power surrounding me, when I really feel that knowing that they too are held in light, that they too have everything that they need, when they are ready to pick up the tools, I feel a lightness that is hard to describe. And it's almost like when I was quitting drinking, and I would have to say, for the next five minutes, I'm not going to drink. Can I not drink for the next five minutes? God, please give me the strength to not drink for five more minutes. And there were months when I first quit drinking that were like this. I was so still in my compulsion to drink. And when I go back into my addiction to my son, in my control addiction to my son, I have to do the same thing. Can I allow myself to trust him and trust that spirit has this, that he's held in the arms of source that I can, I can let go for five more minutes. And I feel a reprieve for five more minutes. And then the wild thing is, I think the really beautiful, wild thing that's happened to me recently is when I do talk to him and it's okay, and I realize it's just a bunch of stories that I've been making up, and that I'm, I just have enormous, and of course I do rightfully so, amount of old stories that come from some very difficult and hard parts of our lives that we're, I can't believe we've made it to the other side, to be honest, to really remember how difficult it was, because it really is like 90% better than it was before. I have to give myself compassion. And instead of beating myself up and saying, Why would you think that? It's it's really allowing that fear to come up and to feel my feelings. I'm powerless over his pain, but I actually have a right to my pain. I should never diminish the feelings that I'm feeling because they're telling me something. And what they're telling me is that when I'm in that fear, when I'm in that compulsion to obsess over trying to control him, it doesn't feel good. And it doesn't feel good because it's not in alignment with the truth of who I am, and the truth of who I am knows for sure that he is gonna be okay, even if it's not okay. That's the part that was so beautiful for me this last time that I really went into this little tailspin. But I wanted to know that he was okay. And I was afraid he wasn't okay. And then I was able to release. And then when I talked to him, he was okay. But what I realized was that even if he hadn't been okay, even if it really was falling apart and he really was having a huge meltdown, that was okay for him to have. He is entitled to those feelings, and those feelings are actually gonna help him to discover who he is when and if he is willing and ready to do the work to discover who he is and how he wants to heal. The hard part is that there's always some level of cause and effect that's happening through the choices that we make, the thoughts that we have, the feelings that we have. And we do get some backlash on those causes and effects. If you have a husband who is going through, or a wife who's going through a major crisis right now, whether they're an addict or not, you know. I mean, I'm in midlife right now, and I don't know about the rest of you, but generally most people in midlife at some point have a complete crisis of like, who am I and why am I here and what's my purpose? And now I don't know what to do. And before we took care of the kids, and then I was athletic, or this was my job before, this is who I was, and now that's gone. Like, who the hell am I? And it's a really uncomfortable place to be. And that pain, we're powerless over the pain that they feel, but we get the energy that comes from somebody who's really struggling. But this is the place in soul recovery where when we use the detachment, when we can separate ourselves from them and allow them to be in whatever their experience is with compassion, not with empathy that says, I feel you, I see you, I want to take care of it, but from a compassionate place that says, I witness this with you. I see how hard this is. I relate, I want it to be different for you because I love you and it's hard to watch, but you're not fixing, you're not taking it personally, you're not thinking that it's about you, you're not running around in a control frenzy trying to figure out what they can do about it. You're allowing them to be in it, but you're also placing an energetic boundary around those feelings, that pain that they're experiencing. You're powerless over their pain, but you're not powerless about the protection that you can put up for yourself. That's not a rejection protection. It's a loving, compassionate protection that allows it to be without trying to change it, without absorbing it, without rejecting it. It just is. And in that space, we can have more curiosity. We can open questions. And this is what happens with me, with Alex and with Rich and with Bodhi is when I am in a more whole space and they're sharing something with me, instead of my immediately jumping in and trying to have the solution because that would make everybody feel better, and then my inner self would feel better because it'd be safe because everybody's better, I'm powerless over their pain. But I'm curious about what's behind that, not from a coaching standpoint, which is something I'm still working on, still working on that. From a place where you're just being neutral with them, you're being even, you don't know better, you don't know less. What if you meet in the same plane and you allow whatever these situations are, even as incredibly traumatic as somebody having been sexually assaulted, like in this Al Anon story? Unbelievably painful. When we stop creating a whole bunch of stories around it, which include the stories about how awful this is, but bring it into a more of a neutral space of how can I support you? What are you learning about this? Is there any way that I can I can help you walk through this? I see you. You're strong, you're whole. I see your worthiness. I know this feels scary. And when I can interact with my son Alex in particular, or Rich, who's my other main person that I'm always working on, in this place, what's amazing is their wholeness shows up because we're recognizing their wholeness from our wholeness. We're holding a light, we're holding a space that gives them this the energy and the ability to touch into that higher part of themselves. And they give themselves the answers that they're looking for anyway. And a lot of that is the only way that they're going to heal in the first place. The awarenesses and the healings that we have within ourselves are the greatest gifts that we have to ourselves because that's where we are truly connecting to our higher being, to our higher power, to the part of us that remembers exactly who we are and that sees that all of this challenge, all this complexity that we have is incredibly real, incredibly real. And at the same time, we choose every moment how we're going to be in it. And then we learn, and then we see how strong we are, then we recognize more truly what our true nature is, what our authentic self is. And that's entitled to pain and upset. We're entitled to our pain and our upset. But when we stop throwing it all over somebody else or letting somebody else throw theirs all over us, then it actually has more space to do the work that it's to do, to show us what it needs to show us through the feelings. Al Anon has been so profound in my life because it was the first place I think that I went to where I really heard in mass, it's okay to choose yourself first. It's okay to have your feelings be where you put your energy. You can't change somebody else. Stop putting your energy on changing somebody else. That was the first place I really heard this message over and over and over and over. And that's the gratitude of detachment. You're releasing that heavy burden and responsibility of feeling like you're supposed to do it for somebody else, but you're doing it from a place that really witnesses and recognizes everyone's experiences as being valuable, and that your choosing yourself is the greatest power that you have to heal. And when you heal yourself, the energy, the ripple effect, the ability of how you show up in your life around the people in your life will create change in your relationships. Now, what level they choose to do their own healing or their own awakening or their own raising of their consciousness. We are only responsible for ours. But it will do something. Your life will be changed, and that's the beauty of it. So I hope that you have enjoyed this, and we will have an interview next week, and then the week after we'll move on to the next chapter, which is Tools for Detachment. So that'll be really good to read. Thank you so much for being an Apple Podcast subscriber, Patreon member. Thank you so much for being part of this incredible soul recovery community. And as always, if you want to work the nine steps of soul recovery, I've got some of them up on the website. I'm working on the rest of them. And you can always come in and do coaching with me. And just even listening to these episodes and really looking at what are the nine steps and being aware of them in your own life and practicing this loving detachment will transform how you're showing up in the world around you. And it will bring peace to you, especially when we can truly know that we are powerless, powerless over everything outside of ourselves and feel the freedom that comes from that. Take our power back by choosing our own happiness, a spiritual path to a happy and healthy life. Until next time, Namaste. Thank you so much for spending this time with me and being part of the Recover Your Soul community. If today's episode spoke to you and you'd like to connect with the community even more, I invite you to join us on the first Monday of every month for the free online support group on Zoom. It's from 6 to 7 p.m. Mountain Standard Time where I share a little bit more on the Recover Your Soul journey and then we break into small groups. You can register at recoveryoursoul.net, and if you've registered in the past, be on the lookout in your promotions folder for the reminder email and link. I'd also love to invite you to listen to the Recover Your Soul Bonus Podcast every Friday, either as an Apple Podcast subscriber or as a Patreon member. On Patreon, you can become a free member and have access to new episodes for the first week, or you can support this community with the tier that you choose. You can also follow me on social media, Instagram, Facebook, and join the private Facebook group for more connection with this amazing community. I hope you'll visit the website recoveryoursoul.net and you can sign up for emails so that you can be up to date with everything that's going on and maybe even join me for a retreat someday. Lastly, I thank you for sharing this podcasting community with anyone that you think might enjoy or learn from it. I also thank you for giving me five stars on any platform that you listen to and writing a review so that others can find the Recover Your Soul community too. Until next time, Namaste.